How do you explain dysphoria to someone? I have been pondering that question here as I have been battling what feels like overwhelming urges and wanting to share it with my loved ones.
Logically this all does not make any sense. When I am in male mode I can hardly handle looking at pictures of myself or looking at my body in the mirror brings up a nauseous feeling. When I take that same body and add some female clothes, wig and makeup I suddenly can't seem to stop looking at myself and want to take selfies of me smiling. It's the same body, same brain, same everything but with a little different window dressing.
Lately I have been obsessing over the amount of testosterone in my body and really craving to start t-blockers and estrogen again. I feel the roughness of my skin, my hair stubble, my body fat and feel paralyzed by these emotions - I can shave and add lotions and tweeze but it never seems to ever be enough. Again, these thoughts in my brain must look illogical to any outside observer.
I have gone through this rationalization a million times and told myself I need to accept the natural situation and yet I am here resisting that idea again today. My loved ones can't understand why I having trouble with this fact and when they tell me they love my male body I feel aggravated at that statement. I feel like I have lost hope that they will have an open mind and try to understand things from my perspective so I question my feelings as being wrong. I will continue to hide because this is the path of least friction but crumble away inside as I do this.
I wish I could make people understand. Or maybe they are all right and then I wish I could understand and accept. I just don't know anymore these days.
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