Following my heart

Hello Blog, As probably most people who question their identity, I have been wrestling with lots of existential questions in my wee little brain lately. It kinda of started with me wondering why I dislike my body and appearance so much and how the simple fact of changing clothes seems to alleviate these feelings. Why does putting on makeup allow me to take photos of myself or look in the mirror where I would loathe these acts without it - am I hiding with a mask from the outside world and needing the freedom of the disguise? These painful questions kind of lead to the heart of my gender confusion and happiness, are these behaviors folly and I should be able to just "get over them" or do I need to accept this and follow my heart to truly be happy? Following the heart seems to be an outcome that I keep coming back to over and over again. As someone that deals with logical analysis every day, this is a very hard thing for my mind to comprehend. How does one follow his/her heart and follow their dreams? What does that really mean in real life? Once again I feel like I am a point with several different paths branching off. I have gone down a few of them a bit but then lose courage come running back to the start. Nothing in my life is a straight line and I do need support both virtually and physically to move anywhere. I know what's in my heart but my mind still refuses to follow.