In a fog

Welcome October.

Its strange that time seems to slip away so fast and keeps going faster each year.   I am still struggling with my personal fog of gender identity and this seems to preoccupy most of my free thoughts and time here.  

In my heart, I feel that need to transition and become genuine and stop hiding but my brain keeps questioning if that is what I want and can handle.  I am trying and trying but I feel like the world keeps making less sense to me.

I'm trying the therapy route again and telling myself to be honest and commit to that, but I fret that I will give up before accomplishing anything. Those clouds of despair and self-loathing are returning and I am fighting them but how do you stop a cloud that seeps in everywhere?

I appreciate this blog as I place to write and communicate but I sure miss having some friends in real life.  There are so many questions and anxious worries in my head today, I could use that shoulder for crying.  I am gonna imagine that and let those tears loose.  I hope that helps and pulls me through.  I have been starting to think of writing some more, here's the beginning of a current prose.

I wake up, get up, move around 

Lost in my head there's fog all around 

I want things to be different but I don't 

I wish I was with people but alone

This fog has me confused from what's real to me

Think I am a mistake or wired the wrong way

I should be happy for fortunes but would give them all away

Just for the moment of clarity

A moment of peace and contentment

A moment that my head and heart agree for once

A moment to shut out all the noise.