feeling sad

 Hello blog,

I am feeling really down, defeated and hopeless in the world today.  I have chronic depression according to the medical diagnostic terminology, and literally it feels like it is crushing me today.

I don't know how to end this depression and no it is not as simple as shutting down that little voice inside my head.  I feel alone and sad and nothing can fix that void I feel inside of me.  I hate my body and my inability to change or accept it, I hate my personality and my inability to brighten or improve that, and I hate the fact that I have nothing better to look forward to but to have these feelings for the rest of my life.

I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be alive either.  I am crying, I am pathetic and I feel like there is no one I can talk to.  I tried that and either made people upset or wanting to commit me for feeling the way I do.   

I feel that deep down pain inside my chest and lump in my throat and all I want to do is clutch a pillow, curl up in a ball and cry.  Alone. Nothing nothing nothing fucking ever gets better.  That is just shit that people say that don't understand.  I hurt so much right now and feel so cut off from anyone else.

Depression sucks but life is much worse for me.