Happy MLK day

Good morning and happy MLK day!
Today is a great day to celebrate Dr. King - one of the men I have most admired for all his vision, his courage and his compassion to share with others.  I only wish I could have been alive in the 60s to march with him and help lead his noble cause.  I know there is still so much hatred and racism left in this world, and try to do my small part to help reduce this so that one day truly people will be colorblind.  In my opinion, the transgender community shares some things in common with his message, just wanting not to be seen as a normal person against the traditional soceital views.  Dr. King and so many others has brought some hope that more and more people will see things in this light and hopes for a brighter future will survive as long as their is a voice to speak the truth.

On more personal note, this has been another troubling confusing period for me.  It seems if anythng is consistent, change and confusion is going to be my companion for awhile longer.  Since the end of last year, I've decided that I didn't want the prescribed antidepressants any longer impacting my judgement and stopped those.  In truth I am never quite sure why I agreed to start them as I didn't feel any more depressed than usual and taking them made me more depressed.  I had about 2 weeks of constant headaches but I think I have finally weaned my system off of this chemical dependence.

My current job environment well just plain sucks and so I have been working on the interview process to search out someplace new.  Probably one of my least favorite things and has made me more grouchy spending countless worthless hours searching and applying for places that seem like a black hole.  I can only hope that this process will end soon.  In my dreams, things would be much different and instead of going through this phony job searching process I would be finding a new life and freedom for Jaclyn.  I know I look up to Dr. King for having so much courage that I wish I could have, yesterday I found myself at Union station just looking at the destination boards and imagining just getting onboard and going somewhere, somehow -  if only I could take those first scary steps I know there would be no looking back.  But there I am, standing still frozen once again as the train leaves the station.  I guess I have some type of psychological martyr syndrom or passive inability or whatever, but it really sucks being me alot of the time.

But the biggest turmoil that is going internally is things that I am not doing if that makes any sense at all. I finally decided to go ahead and set up some time to talk with someone about hormones, and after waiting over a month for the appointment to arrive wouldn't you know those plans would blow up.  A week before the appointment I got a call for a job interview for that same day for somewhere I had been corresponding with for a few months.  Was that a horrible coincendence or a sign for me to chose?  Then I started thinking about the issues with health issue and changing jobs and how I didn't want to have to stop and start right away because of it.  So I decided that I should take the interview, wait for the job change and then pursue things again when the waiting period for insurance was up.  Of course this makes sense logically but my insides felt sad and angry and last week was not a good one to say at least.  I even had my therapist yelling at me and I think I need to start asking for a new one or just screw the counselling altogether.  How does the song go - I want to scream and shout and let it all out?  That describes me to a T it seems.

Well, I am feeling angry and my writing now seems to be going downhill so I am going to take a leave for today.  I am really wanting to go shopping and wish to go out in the world, holding my pretty hair held up high.  Someday.... <sigh>.  Well instead I will dream and wirte and hope - below is something that has been travelling around my wee brain for some time and feels good to get out.  WIshing you the best.

Hugs,
~jacki

Tightrope walker
Tightrope walker, ballerina in the air,
Walking that thin line,
Are you going anywhere?

Big wave surfer, daredevil on a board,
Are you putting on a show,
Or awaiting that wipout ignored?

Everyday person, unnoticed on the street,
Do you want to be seen,
Or do you hide on purpose,
Knowing eventually you'll meet.

Where are we going,
Why are we pretending,
What is this exercise all for?
Why can't I be happy,
Why can't I be free,
Why can't I seem to find my balance and more.

I just don't know,
Where it is I am supposed to be,
I try so hard to do one thing,
And betray the truth inside of me.