As the calendar turns over once again, I still am perplexed by the way people celebrate New Year's eve as it just seems like the start of a new day for me. I guess when it seems like my life is constantly changing, picking one arbitrary day and saying things are different doesn't make much sense to me. Anywho, I made it to a little past 10 before packing it in with a book and PJs and for me that was all I wanted.
Since my last entry, I haven't had much news except that I am tired of putting the toxics into my body that are my prescribed anti-depressants. Hell they did nothing for me and if anything made me feel worse so I see no reason to continue them. As my bottom cleanses them I keep getting this nagging headaches and I will be so happy when that passes by. Another reason I hate these chemical "helpers", it shouldn't make my body feel like crap not to have them if they were truly helping, as I feel like a tool for big pharma in the meantime. Anyways, enough with them and I will look for alternative way for happiness (i.e. I didn't need no damn pill for 40+ years prior so they can go shove it).
Because of these headaches I haven't been writing much lately but spending alot of time thinking instead. The other day my signficant other came out and told me how wrong my features would be as a female and truthfully that careless off the cuff comment by her hurt me inside. I know that I am not beautiful, I know that I will never be a stunning model and perhaps never passable, but still I had to go hide and cry. I am trying to get strong enough to stand up for myself but my personality is not suited for that or at least not yet and wish I could have at least a tiny bit of strength that I read in other t-girl's blogs out here. You know when you feel like as a male you are so ugly and wrong and told as a female that you will never be that either, it seems so hopeless being somewhere in between. I guess I feel like such a pathetic fool sitting here typing my blog but I appreciate the only outlet I have here to just be without having a gender attached if that makes any sense.
I'm going to leave today without much inspiration, but with the small hope that 2014 will work out to be a better year than the past one at least in a tiny bit.
Happy New Year and Cheers and Hugs,
~jacki
I wish you a happy new year Jaclyn, may you find many happy moments to bring a smile to your mind and lips, be they tiny as a butterfly on a flower or a large full moon on a summers eve. Peace be within your heart.
ReplyDeleteIf thoughts travel know mine are with you
Mel