Desperate here....

Monday, June 17, 2013 I’m really struggling this morning. I tell my wife that I will give everything up to be with her and my daughter and I mean that so much. I had a wonderful time and let myself be filled with so much happiness this past weekend with them. I love my family more than anything, but I can’t stop waiting to be a woman. And I can’t tell anyone my true thoughts at this time as mentioning that I am thinking of this will cause my wife to lose it. I was at the pool having fun with my family and sharing father’s day and feeling bad with myself and selfish for wanting something that is impossible. The pressure is getting too intense inside me and I don’t see me being able to contain it indefinitely. This almost feels about as bad as before I came to see Barb the first time. I just want to stop trying and run away since I don’t know how to stand up for myself and I know I’m losing everything in the world. And I have no hope of finding another Barb that will be there to help me understand all of this. I just want to call Barb and cry on the phone to her and beg to come back but I think she has lost total faith in me since our last call where I told her my wife didn’t want me seeing her anymore. So I am so screwed and so trapped. I hate being born with a penis and feel like my life has been one big mistake after another. Is there any way to have an accident to rip that sucker off and not look intentional? I don’t think so but that id the type of irrational thinking I’m having. I tuck it away and beat my myself until I almost feel like passing out, yet that only helps temporarily. After coming out last weekend, my wife is paranoid of me and barely lets me have time alone. Sneaking is much harder as she is paying some attention to me, but I still do manage to find some ways these past few days to tuck away my testes and penis and to paint my toe nails with clear nail polish. That helps but that doesn’t seem enough. I want to shave every freaking hair off my body and start electrolysis on my face so badly. My skin bothers and itches me that I am raking my arms with my fingernails as if that would peel it away. The still smooth parts of my arms and legs make me happy even though my wife tries to examine me whenever I can to see if I am shaving again. And then the questions – are you happy? Are you doing better than last week? Do you feel like you need to wear panties? What the f@# am supposed to say? That I am miserable and think coming out to you was the worst thing I could have ever done. That I don’t care about panties and only want to wear those if I can get fully dressed and wear makeup and go out like that. Why does she not listen and why is she so closed minded? I thought for sure there would be more understanding but I am the big fool once again. I am feeling so resentful and angry with her, but since Barb said I need to support her, I am afraid to really tell her the truth. Instead, I am trying not to answer but I am thinking she will eventually see that as a form of lying as well. I don’t want to do that either, but I cannot stop anymore. Besides if I was totally honest she wouldn’t listen nor understand either. Her and social working family really irritates me since they seem to think just anti-depressants and blame my family nurturing will solve everything. I love her guilt line of me wanting to trade my daughter and her to live as a girl in Boystown. That makes me want to scream out loud. I want them to be with me and I do not want to be a girl but rather the woman I should have been. I am trying so freaking hard to support her so I agreed to go up next weekend for a visit with her family thinking this would help her being with them. Of course it is my birthday weekend where I will have to pretend to be so joyful yet I am going to be so miserable and angry inside. And on top of all of this, my wife is now looking for validation of her own sexuality and feeling insecure of this since I came out. Friday night she wanted us in bed to “re-explore” our bodies together and not pressure me into sex. So, that meant us lying naked next to each other and touching each other. I intentionally laid in a position so that I could touch her all over without her being able to reach my genitals, and I managed to bring her to orgasm hoping that would be enough. She then wanted to touch me and I let her get me off thinking that otherwise that would open another long set of questions, anger, insecurities, etc. I felt really dirty when I climaxed but added some extra moaning and breaths to make it seem opposite of what it felt. She still seemed disappointed that we didn’t have sex afterwards and then seemed freaked out in the morning when I told her I changed the sheets since I thought they were dirty from the evening before. So that went right back to her insecurities and then Saturday night she wanted me to have sex and was weird when I said I was tired. Trying to avoid the act and the you do not want me I went performed oral sex on her hoping that would be enough. Of course it wasn’t so we did end up having sex. Don’t get me wrong, things work fine (although my half-erect member just prior I was worried would be a giveaway) but I just don’t really want sex right now. I love the intimacy point afterwards when I lay next to her still, and I just went into auto-pilot through the act and then tried to capture as much intimacy afterwards to hold me over. I wish that would be the answer but it made me feel worse in the morning which I couldn’t talk about. I’m trying to stop myself here but I think I have accepted what I want and it is hard to convince myself otherwise. I hate that I have taken so long to wake up and now impact so many and really have nowhere to go. I have moved all my femme items to the trunk of my car, and this morning I wanted so badly to dress as Jaclyn so on the way to work I snuck into a remote lot and put on a bra and my wig and drove to work that way. I just kept staring at my face in the mirror, even without makeup I can see more and more the woman inside of me and that felt too good. I want to get rid of the stupid beard, start hormones and be able to be Jaclyn 24/7, but I now have no one I can tell this too. I keep dreaming of being a woman, last night I saw myself in a nice form fitting yellow dress just walking by a pond and being free. I guess I am so depressed since I will only ever be free here in my mind, and this is a place I cannot share with anyone else. I hate my life and now I have to pretend to be happy again. I am so desperate…