In the dark again

 Hello blog,

It has been a few weeks since my last entry as I spent some time in the depression pit of self-hate and self loathing once again.

I wish I could avoid or at least not dwell there as I seem to do.  Durig this time period I finished my first round of K sessions and they left me feeling sad and down as I was headed in that trajectory going into them.

Overall I do not know if this has helped at all even though my therapists seem to think they made some progress and I should continue.  They are a very tiring experience and I think I need a break at least until the end of the summer from them.

During this time I have also gone back to try the anti-depressant route again and trying to hold off on judgement of those.  Really what I need to do to be happy is to get out and just be Jaclyn but I am struggling being able to do that for various reasons.

The biggest reason is myself and allowing myself out without shame.  I have had some really intense self-inflicted shame episodes after going out that I now feel afraid of the after effects and cannot shut off my stupid brain and relax and just feel good.  Combine that with my negative self judgement and I seemed to be unable to overcome this.   Like how I feel unable to overcome the pits of self depression I feel like my brain is broken or at least I am certifiable crazy here.

I woke up today really wanting to go out.  It is part of my cycle I know and I wish I had someone nearby to help and encourage me on and tell me it is ok.  I feel broken and alone.   I guess that is why I write so much about this.

I dunno.  I just feel lost.

giving up hope

 Today I feel like an utter failure.  I know that I tried telling myself my daily affirmations and thought stopping but this feeling has been building the last few days and I cannot stop the landslide in my mind.

I thought I was getting better but realize that was all an illusion.  I am incapable to be well and I feel like the most pathetic, worthless being alive right now.  That being said I question that alive part and the wisdom of not just giving up at times.

My body/gender dysphoria is like constant alarm here lately and I am struggling how to explain this to others that have no idea what that is like.  But the real struggle is more mental than physical as I feel so f@ck!d up and hopeless.

I don't know why I even try.

I am not a disapointment

 Hello blog.

Today with my last day of K treatment for awhile but probably not forever.  I am planning to take a break to re-assess, re-inventory and re-evaluate myself and there is still much work to be done.

Todays big emotional quest was around one of my core misbelief that I am a disappointment to everyone.

I am writing this out to try to remove some of the power of this incorrect thought as rationalizing it out helps me accept that it is not the truth.  I know the source of this thought was taught to me over my entire childhood and that since that time I looked for any small reason to validate it with all my relationships afterwards.  I know that this truth is not something that I ever want to pass along to my child and I may over compensate by telling them over and over how proud they make me feel.

I know alot of things, yet this thought of failure and disappointment goes so deep and is so familiar to my essence that I habitual have repeated this to myself in the past.

That is what the inner peace I am wrangling with today.  In order to change this normal thought pattern, I need to find something to replace it and to unconditionally accept this new truth.

So here goes.  

I have an inner light that brings joy and happiness to others.   I enrich their lives by being part of them as they also enrich mine.  Not everything I do, not everything I say, not everyway I look or react or anything else will always be approved by them and that is ok.  That does not mean that they do not love me, that they judge me or they are disappointed in me overall but may be in an action or part of me.

I have value.  I have self worth and not everyone is going to agree or see it.  I cannot control their thoughts and actions like they cannot control mine.  The world is a better place with me in it.

I am going to probably keep working on this and refining it, but I am also going to keep telling it to myself.

I just need to take things day by day.   

Hugs,
Jaclyn