Being a transphobe

 Hello Blog,

I have been on a long path of self-discovery and acceptance and want to start this entry off by a single, polarizing and ugly sounding statement.  I am a transphobe.  

Now that I have admitted this fact, here are some of my supporting arguments for it.  I continue to seem to have thoughts/dreams of switching genders or taking actions like buying clothes, removing hair, researching hrt, etc. and then have feelings of immense self-hate.  I will sneak on a wig, or walk around an abandoned home in clothes and heels and then hit and cut myself afterwards in shame about these actions.  Just the moments I escape into this journal to write my private thoughts here that I don't share with the outside world fill me with tremendous guilt that I will be thinking about for awhile.  

If you tell me I am trans, I will reject this statement as that will be the worst insult I can receive.

Now I don't feel this way about anyone else - I am so supportive and overjoyed with those who are out living as they feel best for them and I also feel those who hide and cannot come out are also brave and strong in their own way.  I read stories and other blogs and admire the courage and empathy for other trans people as I can imagine it feels like the world is against you just for being different.

I just can't accept this for me without judgement and hate.  I have been talking about this lately as self-transphobia but really want to call a duck a duck here.  I am a transphobe because I hate myself for having any of these thoughts.  It is miserable, relentless shame, guilt and hate in this spiral as no matter what I do they are always there.  Like my transphobia, questions/thoughts of gender confusion seem to always be stuck inside me constantly battling with the hate and shame.  I only feel pain, despair and hopelessness as I don't see either side ever giving up.

That is what life is like for me.  I feel ugly, I feel small, I feel worthless. I am hoping that admitting that I am a transphobe is a step along this process and now I can figure out what that means for me to do from here.   

self acceptance struggle continues

Hello blog,

Just finished my second session with Ketamine as I search for some way to manage my depression and felt the need to spew some thoughts here.

After two sessions, I would have to hold my judgement still on the effectiveness of this treatment.  I know that the starting dosing are low and maybe that's why I am not seeing much, but for now I don't feel any improvement and of anything a little bit worsening. 

I think the probable is probably inside me since I am struggling with the goal that I want to get out of this. I feel in some ways I am trying to appease others that continue to convince me to pursue these actions.  Todays discussion came down to self acceptance which I feel intertwines my physical and mental personas.   I want to be with my family, I love my wife and have a comfortable life but I also have so much internal disgust in the male presentation of myself that is required for this.  Conversely, I feel freedom and happiness in my image and presence of this world as Jaclyn at the expense of my mental state.  This probably sounds like a ridiculous question for 99.999% of the world but I have no clarity, I have no answers, I have no peace.

I need to make a commitment soon if I am going to continue to try this Ketamine path to help my discovery, right now I feel 50-50 about going on or stopping.  I heard that people express benefits come after 4-5 sessions so I maybe I will just hold out hope or maybe not.

I just feel like I am in a terrible state and all alone right now.  I need somewhere to cry.