what i get from being miserable

 To someone that does not know me, it is probably very difficult for them to see and or to understand the ongoing daily depression I feel.  Truth be told, since I share very little and trust even less, most people probably have no sense that I feel this way.  I know my co-workers and parents which I interact with daily only see the false I'm fine facade that I put up for my protection and to not have to engage and go into details about how I really feel.  My wife and family know that I am sad often but I try to minimize and hide this alot of the time as well.   I know that it makes most people really uncomfortable and not knowing what to say when they ask the innocuous "How are you doing?" if I would honestly answer that I spent several minutes this morning just dreading waking up and dealing with another miserable day with no hope of things ever getting better and thinking that I should just end things.   Probably to most people just reading this and thinking about it would make them uneasy I think.

So the alternative is to just be positive, try to look on the bright side, fake it until you make it, or whatever catchphrase that we have heard to change our frame of reference.  I dunno, for me this approach is ridiculous and I don't seem to be able to pretend my way to happiness without feeling like a fraud.

Being as they would diagnose as chronically depressed, I have spent hours after hours thinking about this and being told by professionals I am stuck and challenged what benefit this has for me.  So that brings me to my point of this entry in trying to determine what I really get out of being so miserable.

If I take an outsider's perspective, I would start by thinking maybe this is a call for attention. But really I don't want to talk about how shitty I feel to anyone and I am really so introverted that any type of attention feels so uncomfortable that I don't think that's it.

I then think that I want to keep low expectations - nothing is ever going to get better in my world so why don't I keep the bar low so I don't keep feeling like a failure.  Or maybe my misery is a comfortable pattern that I don't want to shed - I am going to feel terrible so at least expect that and accept it and stay this way.  Is my almost daily suicidal thoughts and fantasies just some form of manipulation or revenge that I am doing inadvertently.

I could keep trying to think of reasons but the one that I seem to come to conclusion is the largest one (probably some of the others do contribute as well) is that I am scared to be lonely.  Probably this does not make sense to others how I could spend so much time hiding and avoiding people and being miserable and to do this to avoid loneliness.    

Here it is, basically in my fucked up logic if I tell anyone really how I feel or what I am I know they will reject me.  In my past I have analyzed all the reactions that I have gotten being "authentic" with people and while my family and friends say they will be accepting they will not.  If I stop pretending, I will most definitely lose my employment which providing financial support is really the only thing I provide for my family.  My wife will leave me, my daughter will be ashamed and/or disgusted and my parents will reject and/or not believe me and have no idea what to do.  

I will literally be left alone as there is no one I can count on that understands.  In my 20s, I spent the majority of that decade totally alone, friendless and without anyone. Unless you have lived a long time feeling isolated from everyone and being a spectator in the world, it is so hard to explain how afraid I am to know that will be my eventual state again.

I cannot go back to that, and I cannot see any possible way to avoid it in the scenarios I have played over and over in my broken brain.  Not looking for any argument on this, I just know in that this outcome is inevitable and cannot believe otherwise.

So instead, I am just going to put on the fake smile and say that I'm fine the next time someone asks how I am.  I am just going to keep muddling through another horrible day where I don't have anything to look forward to and I am going to find some remote corner to cry and cut and stay hidden away.  I am going to think that I should just swallow a bunch of pills or walk in front of traffic or myriad of ways that I should remove the burden that is myself from the world only to not do anything and live with shame and guilt of thinking this way.

I don't have any answers, just to accept it is my nature to be miserable and dredge on. 

  

struggling, again...

Good morning blog, at least it is morning but not so good for me right now.

Right now I am struggling alot.  I feel like the god damn GD has been really kicking in and this is fueling vicious rounds of internal transphobia. I feel lost and unable to concentrate on anything besides this wretched cycle that is going over and over in my mind.

And to the outside world I may just appear quiet, thoughtful, nondescript as I have no other outlet besides this one right now to use.

I so badly want to dress up, do my makeup, go shopping or get out of the house and I hate myself for this. More than anything I want to connect with someone who understands, not virtually but sitting across from them and having a cup of coffee or whatever and talking to another person that understands and has gone through this as well.

I know that therapists tell me that feelings are temporary and I need to breath and relax and be self compassionate and all this other BS.  I just can't seem to stop these intrusive thoughts right now no matter how hard I try and I am scratching my skin wanting it to stop (really really trying hard not to cut).  

Then the hate and disgust at myself I feel has only gotten more intense lately, I feel like every time I look at the media or news I just see more and more stories being run against trans people or how wrong being trans is in America and I can't stop but amplify my self hate with this.

I'm really not well.  I am a very sick person and I am too weak to do anything but to write about it and pretend I am fine.

Today is not a good day.

Being transphobic with gender identity issues

Hello blog,

Been doing alot of hard thinking and self-evaluation as I am preparing to try ketamine treatments as I way to get out of the unmovable rut that I am in.  It is hard for me to be honest and vulnerable IRL so I am using this platform once again to reveal parts of the hidden me.

Lately I have been returning to the trying to classify what I am and reviewing the thoughts, feelings and actions that I return to.   

What I have come up with is that I am self-transphobic with gender identity issues (I don't like the term gender identity disorder).

I don't know if this classification exists in the world or I just made things up, but it does seem clear to me in my head.

I feel like I have the gender identity each day, each moment when I look at the image of me and spend so much time to have a different body, a different sex, a different gender that the one I am forced in.

And then when I think these things, I feel ashamed. I feel guilty.  I feel so much self hate and anger at myself.

Admitting that I am transgender at any degree makes me so uncomfortable because I am transphobic.  Not towards others as I am so happy for them (although I feel jealous at times), but towards myself as having these feelings.  I doubt self-transphobia is a thing as one is probably transphobic or not, but I am giving myself permission to define it.

I am very skeptical that ketamine will be able to get me past my gender issues and/or being self-transphobic.  I doubt that it will get me to be able to address these things in real life and make much of a difference going forward.

What I am hoping, is that it may give me a bit of space to be self compassionate and to be honest and vulnerable.  I'm hoping that I can get past thinking or talking about these things without the mountain of shame and self-hatred that leads me to depression and suicidal thoughts.  I'm hoping that it will not cause more negative feelings inside of me.

So there it is and I think I am just may be making shit up but maybe I am getting somewhere. 

I don't have any clue what to do about being self-transphobic with gender identity issues which is so much more important to me that defining it.

Really I don't know much.

Considering K

 Hello blog,

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately even if it seems like there is not really much different day to day.  It is hard for me to gauge that though as living with chronic depression means that each day really feels like an endless stream of hopelessness and why bother and each day is only a checkmark on a calendar.

I literally would be hard pressed to think of anything I am looking forward to and really have been battling the constant self harm voices that seem so ever present.   Even the cutting sessions that I have seem pointless and not really make me feel any different either way.

After alot of advice, I have started to consider again ketamine therapy treatments as a possible path to move me from the stuck hole of depression I seem to wallow within.  I have been told this will help reframe my thinking and change my thoughts as this big term neuroplasticity keeps being thrown out to me.

I feel rather hopeless and skeptical of this changing anything, but feel like I don't have a choice in it.  I have researched and visited three facilities prior and think this will be last opportunity for it for me. 

I'm really scared of it but my therapist says that this is really fear of change.  I have so much self-hate and self-loathing of myself regardless of the gender and worried that this will just magnify those feelings. I have been feeling vey suicidal and thinking about those things and worry this may override any self-preservation that has been keeping me around.  Maybe that's a good thing.  Regardless, I feel that my spouse and therapists are pushing and I have no choice but to go through with it.  My thoughts and feelings are usually opposite of reality so I am going to have to give this a chance I believe.

I know I don't want to go on like this but I don't know if I want to change.   My life is all fucked up and I guess that is why I use this to escape.  I just wish I had some idea of what going forward would look like and had had any idea what to do.