Hello blog,
Lately I have been doing alot of self-reflection. Duh, that
is nothing new to me because I seem to get lost in my own musing and never seem
to move beyond that. Regardless, there has been one emotion that seems to
be on the surface recently and has been pre-occupying my wee brain. Fear.
By my nature, I know that I am a very fearful person.
I've been advised that this developed from my childhood in which I was a very
imaginative and fearful child. I was scared of the dark, scared of
doctors, scared of water, scared of school and other children, etc. etc.
Probably makes sense that I grew up as someone afraid of
pretty much anything and regardless of what I tell myself to be brave my main
fight or flight reaction is to freeze out of fear.
Really, I write this blog primarily because of fear. I
feel like a pathetic, little, chickenshit person typing these words out in the
anonymity of this blog but sometimes this the only outlet I have to express
myself and retain some sanity. I still feel disappointed in myself
because of how much I let fear rule me and I am hoping that acknowledging and
reflecting will help in some little way.
When I started to first explore and self-discover myself as
Jaclyn, the biggest fear was to go out or admit this expression to anyone
else. I have written about the years of struggle and tears as I was
unable to get past the front door.
That is not really a fear of mine anymore as going out is
something that I like to do when possible and I probably should be more
cautious around strangers than I am. Last week I had this opportunity
(see pics below) and had a great time being out in a public space for at least
a few hours when I had some free time.
I think today I fear admitting my true feelings to people I
know and love. There is a bit of worry around rejection based on my past
coming out experiences and worry around how some people I have been hidden from
may react. I cannot deny that at all and have been resistant to share
even with those I know really care for me.
My biggest fear is around admitting these feelings to
myself. Because if I admit that I feel best in the world being true as a
female there is a million of things that means. While I know that others
are able to compartimalize these feelings and switch from one gender to
another, that is very hard for me. If I admit that I feel good as a
female and then the more I accept and discover about this, the more I want to
continue. I try to tell myself only one thing at a time, but once I start
it seems like a ball rolling down a hill and gathers momentum. The need
of that feeling seems like it grows exponentially and becomes all consuming and
I am afraid I couldn't stop. This crash caused me problems in the past as
I gave up control and ended up in hospitalization and I worry if I give in
again there may be worse results.
Even going out last week for a few days did not sate this
feeling as all I can think about right now is when I will get a chance to go
out again. And how to keep doing this more and more.
I guess I fear self-acceptance or fear what it means to have
the feelings that I do inside and I am feeling vulnerable and scared right
now. That is why I keep writing this blog in my hidden away life, and
continue to struggle one day at a time.
Hugs,
~J
