re-socialization?

 Hello blog -

I am sitting alone and doing one of those things I seem to do often here - contemplate my life and thoughts and not really do much else beside write about them.  Last week I did get a brief time to spend as Jaclyn which felt good and also did not because I seem to be trapped inside by myself.

I am not sure why I feel like I cannot go out anymore, I was doing it with more frequency and going to more public places before but now I feel like I have lost the ability to be social.

I think it may have started with Covid trapping us inside around five years ago as the opportunity for me to dress went away for a long time as my family while knowing is also not accepting.   But if that was a reason I am sure it is not the only reason as I feel depressed and trapped even at home alone now.

I feel like I need something or someone or ??? to help me re-socialize.  Sounds really crazy but I I feel more scared today in going out than I did almost 15 years ago when I left home as Jaclyn for the first time. I question myself at every opportunity and feel ashamed and depressed for being me.

How does an older person meet others or make friends?  I am a severe introvert so I just can't go up to a stranger and start a conversation or relax.  I really miss having friends to talk to that understand and I can share with which is probably why I type so many lonely thoughts out in my blog here.

I want to set a goal to go out at least 1 time in the next 90 days.  If I can make a new friend that would be a bonus but right now that seems like a stretch.  I don't know if I can do it but I can't if I don't try.

Until then...

checking out

Today is the 17th of January 2025 and I am sitting here alone once again with my blog to journal out the thoughts in my head.  I have been feeling depressed all week bundled up inside while the world around me is cold and dark.  I am not sure if this is all because of the weather or that I have disengaged with the world at large.

Nothing seems to help to warm me up with this cold that seems like it comes within.

I can't remember the last time that I dressed as Jaclyn and gone out and this phase of my life seems like another miserable failing.  I still hate my body so much from any part of it I think about, but I also hate everything non-physical about myself.

I'm giving up whatever this was as I must have been deluding myself since nothing ever changes. I am not trans but really I am mentally ill and have accepted that is all I will ever be.

I've started cutting again but that doesn't give any relief anymore and really everyday looks like the same as the last day of meaningless shit. My therapist tells me that she feels happiness is possible but really I hate that false promise.  

Right now there is nothing I look forward to and dread just getting out of bed knowing that it is just a waste of motions throughout the day.  I just am a fucking idiot sitting here alone behind a keyboard documenting trivial dribble with the sick thoughts in my head.

I am not a victim or someone to pity, I am just a mistake and not worth being in this world.

Today is the 17th of January 2025 and I am checking out from here. I don't think I'll be back or at least not for a long while.