Hello blog,
There are some changes today with the most notable one the change in my title. This is all based on my current identity crisis and reflects the real chaos and confusion I am feeling within.
I've recently been trying open dialogue with my s.o. regarding my issues and depression and have struggled alot. I have gone away from writing which is always a sign of my retreating and probably will be some time before I start putting thoughts down here.
One of the discoveries from our discussion revolved around the name that I identified with and some of their feelings towards it. One thing that I realized after these talks was the trauma attached to this name, as I had used it to reach out one time in my middle of night suicidal pleads. Also tied into this is the discovery of the name by my daughter which we played off but probably not very convincingly. Lastly, I have been in a terrible shame cycle and this has combined with all the other factors.
As a result, my mind has now shut down to the former name that I was using as just typing or hearing it sends waves of guilt and self-hatred. I don't really know how to explain but it feels like that name is dead to me now, and I cringe at the thought of it being used in any form related to me or my feelings inside.
This has left me feeling quite untethered. It seems ridiculous to have so much tied up into a name but I feel like I am in total limbo here. I still have these feelings around my gender and who I am, but without an identity I feel lost and ashamed. I've tried to just come up with a new name but it time that just doesn't feel right or I can't quite make any connection to it. Going back an accepting the past with the old name doesn't feel right either to me.
So that's really where I am right now, I feel lost and in the dark here without a clue what my next step should be.
~
