Hello blog,
Wanted to do some catch-up journaling since while there has been alot of thoughts in my head lately I have had some trouble getting the words down in type here.
To start with, I feel alot more alive today then I have been for awhile. Last week I had a successful day that I set aside for myself, to pamper and dress and spend some time in the mall being out and about. I did meet up with my therapist, which while it was an artifical construct we tended to talk more like girl friends rather than like patient-therapist. That was so nice to and feeling of freedom even though it took me some time to relax and stop focusing on every little step or passerby glance.
This is leading up to a business trip this week where I am going to plan to take a few nights to go out again after the day is done. I haven't felt like looking forward to something like this for a long time so I can't wait to go.
Where that leaves me at is something that I have been avoidant at. I need to start the discussion again with my wife about expressing myself. I am worried about this outcome going two different ways. First, if she rejects and demands that I don't go out as before, I feel this is going to trigger shame, anger, and lead to another depressive episode. I feel that I live so close to going down under that I can see that ending up if this conversation bombs.
On the other hand, if this conversation goes well and we come up with some agreement for Jaclyn time, I am worried what that may lead to. Even as I am excited to go out this week, I am also feeling sad that after this week it may be some time again when I can arrange a night out. For me, it feels like a compulsion to get dressed and go out even when putting the clothes and wigs and makeup away is gut-wretching and distressing to me. So, if this conversation goes well and I do start to explore more then I guess what I am saying is that I am scared what that may lead to afterwards.
I know that I must be a pessmist that I can only see negative outcomes regardless of which way things go. I am telling myself to relax, to breathe and to just enjoy the present week ahead for now.
I will keep journalling here as I need this outlet to work through all of my thoughts. Until next time.
Hugs,
~Jaclyn
