cry

Dear blog,
Today I feel like I am hitting a new low.
I feel like I am totally losing everything including my sanity and don't know where to turn. I've tried to reach out to my therapist, my family, my virtual friends but nothing is working.
I feel so distraught and anxious and like my life is one big pile of steaming cow manure.
I hate myself and cry and cut trying to get better but nothing helps.
I feel so lost.
I feel so hopeless and tearing up trying to get my thoughts down here right now.
I want so really really really badly just to say f## it world and dress and become the woman I feel is in me.
And I don't want to do that right now really really badly as well.
I am certifiably 100% completely looney tunes nutso. I can find doctors to affirm that.
I just got done cutting my arms and I am still scratching and anxious and need to do more.
God I hate myself so much. And I feel so alone.
Noone in this world really knows the real me and those I've tried to tell reject me for that.
I hate this!!!!
I feel I can't go one and struggle just to make it to the next day. I stare at my sleeping pills or hold a bag over my head or imagine just driving into a wall.  I just may do that. So much.
I need to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm so pathethic and alone and afraid and I haven't done anything in my life.
I just don't know anymore.