living with identity disorder

Hello blog,

As someone dealing with a lifetime of gender confusion and dsyphoria, I found myself once again sitting in therapy unable to find the correct words to explain these continuous feelings that permeate my thoughts.

For those of the 'normal' population that don't really think about their gender this probably seems quite frivolous and not make alot of sense.  For those like myself that spend hours laying awake at night thinking how much better their life would be if they were born into the other gender's physical form, simply stated this whole thing sucks and is something that I would never wish upon anyone.

Living like this is a constant struggle, no matter what I try to do to logically accept the body I was born into I just loathe looking at myself from any angle.  I have gotten to the point that I get dressed/undressed anymore inside our walk-in closet not because I am trying to hide from others but to avoid seeing myself naked in the large mirror in our bedroom vanity.  I am embarrassed and disgusted by my appearance and while this may seem shallow, I struggle so much to feel good inside because how I feel I look on the outside.

I don't really know how to explain the hours spent looking in a mirror and trying to visualize things that you know others don't really see there.  Or how just putting on women's clothes makes me feel at ease and beautiful inside.  There is something so liberating and freeing just stepping outside and being Jaclyn in the world that I can't explain, it just feels good and right to me.

If I could bottle those feelings up for these days when life doesn't allow me to come out I would spend everything for it.  It just seem to gets so much harder every time to get that genie back into the bottle once I finally let myself to be free.

I don't know how much longer I can continue to walk this line balancing between two worlds.  I feel each day is a new fight between the mind and the heart and it is eating me from within.

I don't really know much who I am anymore and who I want to be.  I don't really know much of anything except I need help.

Hugs,
Jaclyn