Being transphobic with gender identity issues

Hello blog,

Been doing alot of hard thinking and self-evaluation as I am preparing to try ketamine treatments as I way to get out of the unmovable rut that I am in.  It is hard for me to be honest and vulnerable IRL so I am using this platform once again to reveal parts of the hidden me.

Lately I have been returning to the trying to classify what I am and reviewing the thoughts, feelings and actions that I return to.   

What I have come up with is that I am self-transphobic with gender identity issues (I don't like the term gender identity disorder).

I don't know if this classification exists in the world or I just made things up, but it does seem clear to me in my head.

I feel like I have the gender identity each day, each moment when I look at the image of me and spend so much time to have a different body, a different sex, a different gender that the one I am forced in.

And then when I think these things, I feel ashamed. I feel guilty.  I feel so much self hate and anger at myself.

Admitting that I am transgender at any degree makes me so uncomfortable because I am transphobic.  Not towards others as I am so happy for them (although I feel jealous at times), but towards myself as having these feelings.  I doubt self-transphobia is a thing as one is probably transphobic or not, but I am giving myself permission to define it.

I am very skeptical that ketamine will be able to get me past my gender issues and/or being self-transphobic.  I doubt that it will get me to be able to address these things in real life and make much of a difference going forward.

What I am hoping, is that it may give me a bit of space to be self compassionate and to be honest and vulnerable.  I'm hoping that I can get past thinking or talking about these things without the mountain of shame and self-hatred that leads me to depression and suicidal thoughts.  I'm hoping that it will not cause more negative feelings inside of me.

So there it is and I think I am just may be making shit up but maybe I am getting somewhere. 

I don't have any clue what to do about being self-transphobic with gender identity issues which is so much more important to me that defining it.

Really I don't know much.