Hello blog,
Just finished my second session with Ketamine as I search for some way to manage my depression and felt the need to spew some thoughts here.
After two sessions, I would have to hold my judgement still on the effectiveness of this treatment. I know that the starting dosing are low and maybe that's why I am not seeing much, but for now I don't feel any improvement and of anything a little bit worsening.
I think the probable is probably inside me since I am struggling with the goal that I want to get out of this. I feel in some ways I am trying to appease others that continue to convince me to pursue these actions. Todays discussion came down to self acceptance which I feel intertwines my physical and mental personas. I want to be with my family, I love my wife and have a comfortable life but I also have so much internal disgust in the male presentation of myself that is required for this. Conversely, I feel freedom and happiness in my image and presence of this world as Jaclyn at the expense of my mental state. This probably sounds like a ridiculous question for 99.999% of the world but I have no clarity, I have no answers, I have no peace.
I need to make a commitment soon if I am going to continue to try this Ketamine path to help my discovery, right now I feel 50-50 about going on or stopping. I heard that people express benefits come after 4-5 sessions so I maybe I will just hold out hope or maybe not.
I just feel like I am in a terrible state and all alone right now. I need somewhere to cry.
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