Forgiving myself

Hello blog,

This weekend marks the 12th anniversary of one of the main reasons that I started writing down my inner thoughts and ideas.  Specifically, this past Friday was the 12th anniversary of my first coming out to anyone in my family or friend cycle.  

Thinking back on that time, I started writing a few years earlier as I was coming to understand myself, my inner feelings towards gender and then using it to work out what I would do with this knowledge in the outside real world.

That particular day 12 years ago went so disastrously wrong and so differently that what I was hoping for.  I have spent uncountable number of hours since reliving and contemplating this day, feeling so much sadness, pain, hate, confusion and doubting myself and what I was really expecting.

I know realize that it was really not realistic for the thoughts and feelings that took me almost 30 years to figure out to be shared and understood in one short afternoon.  I was so hurt from the initial reactions from "your therapist must be filing you with these incorrect ideas" to "are you gay, does that make me gay" to "you are wrong" to some other name calling that I don't want to enumerate.   My partner from that day has since asked for forgiveness of her reaction in our limited conversations since then.

While I have been thinking that I am struggling at not being able to forgive her, in the past few weeks I have started to realize is that the real reason is that I have not forgiven myself.

I have not forgiven myself for the perceived pain I caused her and myself on that day since I was not at the point of true self acceptance.  I have not forgiven myself for the struggles during these past 12 years that at times have results in mental health so bad that I have alarmed others to act on my behalf.  I have not forgiven myself and tried to cut and eliminate this part of my life while being totally obsessed with it at other times.

I have not forgiven myself for having Jaclyn as part of my life.  Not my only part or the shameful part or the hidden part.  Jaclyn is a part of my life at all times like my male part is regardless of the appearance I put on.

I realize that now and I am working on daily affirmations to reassure myself this - " I am not a failure.  I am valuable.  The world is better with me in it".

The question is really what do I do from here to go forward.

I feel like I have in some ways taken a really really long way to get back to the same place I was 12 years ago.  Maybe not, I have many of other experiences and actually I think I am at a better place with my self-assurance and knowledge of what I want.  

All that is left to do is to have the conversation again but this time with strength and self assurance.  I have thought about this and have chickened out so many times - the day after my coming out 12 years ago, after my hospital stays, after talking with others in the community, after so many hours of self contemplation, after .....

Like how much I felt before I need to have that conversation again.  But with compassion and listening to my partner, to not deter my feelings if responses are not what I was hoping for, and with forgiveness for myself for taking so long to get to this point and all the failures before now.

I need to come out again, not as Jaclyn but as myself with many different facets that I don't need to hide or feel ashamed about.  I can't control others reactions or predict what the results will be, but to be true and honest to others and more importantly to myself.

I forgive myself and love myself for who I am.