Hello blog,
It has been a few weeks since my last entry as I spent some time in the depression pit of self-hate and self loathing once again.
I wish I could avoid or at least not dwell there as I seem to do. Durig this time period I finished my first round of K sessions and they left me feeling sad and down as I was headed in that trajectory going into them.
Overall I do not know if this has helped at all even though my therapists seem to think they made some progress and I should continue. They are a very tiring experience and I think I need a break at least until the end of the summer from them.
During this time I have also gone back to try the anti-depressant route again and trying to hold off on judgement of those. Really what I need to do to be happy is to get out and just be Jaclyn but I am struggling being able to do that for various reasons.
The biggest reason is myself and allowing myself out without shame. I have had some really intense self-inflicted shame episodes after going out that I now feel afraid of the after effects and cannot shut off my stupid brain and relax and just feel good. Combine that with my negative self judgement and I seemed to be unable to overcome this. Like how I feel unable to overcome the pits of self depression I feel like my brain is broken or at least I am certifiable crazy here.
I woke up today really wanting to go out. It is part of my cycle I know and I wish I had someone nearby to help and encourage me on and tell me it is ok. I feel broken and alone. I guess that is why I write so much about this.
I dunno. I just feel lost.
Ugh, I feel all of this way too deeply. Especially that part about wanting to go out, but then not being able to because you’re afraid of how awful it might feel afterward. That’s been such a huge hurdle for me too. Like… the actual going out is hard, yeah—but the shame and self-judgment that hits after? That’s what really wrecks me.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be there to take you out for lunch. Just something casual. No pressure. No expectations. Just... being yourself and having someone beside you who gets it. I think that kind of gentle normalcy would help more than any big milestone ever does.