dealing with dsyphoria

Today is being a difficult day.  I know things should be brighter as we are finally having nice weather and I should be thankful for so much.  But I'm not, I'm struggling with my gid today.

I recently got a social media post reminding me that it has been now 4 years since I came out and talked to someone about my gender dsyphoria after holding it inside for so long.  I don't really know how much this has all helped as I feel worse off on somedays that before.  Today is one of them.

I don't really know how to describe it - it is a like something that my mind fixates upon and a constant buzzing reminder of how wrong I am.  I just hate my male anatomy so much and want to run away and change all of it.  Hate is a strong word and when it is the first one that comes to mind when you think about yourself it can be downright debilitating.

I wish I had the strength to make a change in my life but I am too weak to.  I've waited and watched and been so proud of so many others that are so much stronger than me.  I just want to run out of here right now, put on a sundress and take a walk in the park and breathe in a new life.  But I am planted here not able to move and just want to scream. This madness seems to be too overwhelming.

I keep fantasizing about some prince charming to come and take me away, to believe in me to support me and to change my life for the better.  That pretty woman dream will never come true and I know that I am the only one that can do that.  I feel so pathetic to hold on to some fairy tale dream.

So I am still here, my mind racing and feeling so low and depressed and spiraling further down, down, down until who knows.  I wish I knew how to make things better and deal with the struggling within.  I wish I could talk to someone and know they would understand and give me some hope.  I wish and wish and wish and not very much more.

I feel like today is going to be another struggle again.

thankful for little things

Good morning blog,

I thought I'd take a few minutes today from the hectic pace of life to put down some random words that have been floating around here.

Clarity of where I am and where I'm going is still as murky as possible which drives a planner like me nuts.  I do get a few moments of peace to dream and wish about things and slowly feel like some progress is being made.

I'm enjoying having the t-blockers in my system as I feel that my body is getting rid of some of that yucky male stuff.  I can't say I notice a big difference as I was never very muscular or shaped as a man, but I do see some subtle differences which I am not sure are real or imagined.  I have been trying to take better care of my skin and notice that it is softer but I think the exfoliate and lotion routine is to attribute to that.

I also took the next stop to set up an appointment at the clinic to discuss adding estrogen to my regimen.  Unfortunately with the holidays approaching and schedules, I won't be able to make that happen until after the New Year.

I am not sure how I will respond to that, but I do know what I wish for. I want to stop living a lie, to just be how I want and embrace my feelings and dreams.   I'm dreaming of making that hard step to transition, to be a woman but I don't know what that means.  Its akin to wanting to swim 2 miles while you are on the shore and don't know how to swim.  I am so eager to dive in and get going but fear of sinking right to the bottom and drowning keeps me on the side.  There is so many questions and fears that I have and wish I had just one good friend to talk with everyday to figure this all out.  But I'm shy and timid and not able to reach out.  So that's the dilemma.

So I will continue on and be thankful that I have so much that I take for granted here.     The holidays are coming and then soon a new year and resolutions will follow.  I'm not sure what I will do, but I do know what I am wishing for.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

reflects from week1

Good morning,

Alot has happened with me in the past month yet I feel somedays that things are going much slower than I like.  Sort of a contradiction of things as I was reminded that transformation implies something that takes time.  Patience is a virtue that I lack at times.

As I am nearing the end of my first week on t-blockers, I am not sure if I really notice many changes yet besides the urge to run to the washroom more frequently.  I have been trying to up my water intake as well so that may be contributing to that.  Emotionally, I have felt a little more calm thinking how my body is removing that yucky hormone but besides that I feel roughly the same.  I haven't thought about suicide much the past few days so perhaps subtle changes in my mental state are happening below my perception. I don't know really, and I guess what I have accept is that there is so much that I don't have any idea about.

I have been writing a bit but nothing too good.  I will share a quick verse here and perhaps come back to this at a later date.

Hugs,
Jaclyn


Drifting through the clear blue sky,
Shapes transforming to my eye,
Sit transfixed staring up am I,
As the peaceful cloud passes slowly by.

Where it came from, where it goes?
I could stare all day and never know,
But does that matter even so,
Briefly flourishing and later gone.

Why do I look ahead, dwell on behind
Why can't I enjoy today for all I find?
I feel like the cloud drifting away,
My shape transforming with a new day,

I'm ready to fly I'm ready to learn,
To become the best person I can discern,
I need someone to release me please
Freedom, beauty, please be me.