Hello blog,

I need to write today because I feel like i am absolutely on the proverbial edge once again.  My mind feels so swamped with thoughts and feelings and I feel like just crawling up in a corner to cry.  I want some much to be Jaclyn and leave everything else behind, and I can't seem to focus on much else.  This is so maddening and crazy and I just want to blurt this outloud to someone and damn the consequences.  God I am such a drama queen! I just don't know as I feel like I am heading down a road and can't turn back around.  I want to run and stop at the same moment. I am so confused and lost.

stuck in the middle

Good morning blog,

As this week I celebrate my unofficial birth of coming out to my family three years ago, I have been doing one of the few things I do best - pondering and dwelling on my situation.

Really it is not healthy and definitely not productive but it is like staring at a car accident, you know you shouldn't but you seem fixed and frozen studying the scene.

I'm not really sure what three years has brought me besides many hours of therapy and listening to how I shouldn't be so depressed and how my childhood issues seem to cause this and that behavior.  I don't even know why I go and talk with anyone since it seems like a big circular conversation and I end up in the same place.

I am still in hiding ,perhaps even more so as I worry and fret about coming out again.  I feel so lonely and down and just wish I had just one live person that I could share and cry on their shoulder.  I feel so weak and lost, and wish I could make things better.

I don't know where I'm going or what I want. I just hate being stuck here in the middle.

panic attack

Hello there blog.

This morning I feel like I am falling apart in a panic attack and need somewhere to write so I am using this blog to try and save my sanity.

I've been taking my t-blocker now for around 2.5 weeks and it feels good. I don't think there are any physical changes and this is probably all in my head but I'm feeling better. In my dysphoric view of myself, I feel like my skin is getting softer, my body hair lightening, my shape getting curvy.  I know none of this is happening but I can't stop imaging it is.  I keep focusing more and more on grooming my eyebrows, gesturing and posturing more feminine, and thinking about being a woman.  When I sleep, more and more of my dreams are about being female.  

And I want more.  I am so scared to admit this and can't speak it out loud.  I feel so torn and stressed and distracted and want to focus on something different but I can't.  I want to go back to the clinic and get the full hormone regimen and to take them.  Those words and actions seem so blissful yet I know that isn't the truth as well.  I know I can't suspend the world or that someone won't kidnap me and support my transformation and that any of those actions would have irreversible consequences.

I just really really really want it right now and am shaking with admitting to this.  I feel so scared and alone and confused.  I just don't know...