Thursday, December 8, 2016

Month 1 reflections

Dear blog,

This morning reached a reflective moment in my journey here as I have completed my first month with estrogen treatments.  So far it has been a total mixture of emotions - calmness, anxiety, happiness, sadness, confusion which have roiled me since before I started so I cannot blame the chemicals on this.

How do I feel overall - that is a tough question, but good I think.  I know physically not to expect anything yet but I do seem to notice some slight changes.  I think most of it is just a mind trick, but for the past two weeks I have noticed the boobs feeling fuller and definitely sensitive.  I kinda of freaked out when I first noticed this but after reading more literature I felt assured to expect this sort of thing.  Yesterday when I was out shopping my bra was hurting as the bottom strap kept rubbing so I know I need to get a good bra fitting soon.  I just feel a little like a teenage girl starting out and looking for them in the store.  Anyway, that will be for another post.

Yesterday I did take another step for myself and started to address the hair removal issue.  Ever since my body hairs had started growing, this has been the most disgusting part of my body.  Probably for close to 30 years I have been fantasizing about getting my face rid of the ugly stuff and remember once as a young kid wanting to buy nair and slather the stuff all over me.  I always felt wrong and different for having these thoughts and have come so long to change my views.  I had a nice appointment yesterday and have come up with a plan to start with a combo of laser/electrolysis at the start of the new year when I have saved up some money for this.  I literally broke down in the consult room after talking about this as the emotions of waiting so long came and took over me.  I am so glad I have chosen a place with transgender experience as they seemed to understand this all.

So that is where I stand today, and tomorrow I start month 2.  I still have some really anxious moments and freak outs where I wonder what the hell I am doing and how I ever expect to get there.  I wish I could say I don't have this moments but I do and this does worry me so.  I am just going to try to shut off the brain and follow the heart but it is hard to change ones patterns.  I still have some major steps ahead that I am afraid of what will all happen, but I cannot control those today.

Till then.  Hugs, Jaclyn

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