2016 has seem like a year of taking steps forward and backward, and as I sit here and reminisce I feel that need to write some of these down to remind myself of them someday later.
This year started with me seemingly trying to hold on to my so-called normal expected life and ending with my feeling like nothing may quite be normal ever again. Ok, so I may be a bit dramatic, but it from my perspective things seem to be out of my control more than ever here. Anyways the first few months were pretty uneventful but as spring arrived it seemed like my dsyphoria and depression intensified again. I found myself staring at clothes and then adding to my wardrobe even though I was hating myself for doing it. As summer came on I started cutting myself again and had a few mornings were functioning was just not possible. I needed to get out as Jaclyn so badly even though I felt horrible and weak for doing so. You know I could tell myself a million times why I should be happy and not have these feelings but inside this seemed like something I just needed. I managed to take a few trips out as Jaclyn to enjoy the summer yet every time I had to but things away again I fell apart.
In the fall, I had an out-of-town work trip which was a fabulous vacation away as Jaclyn during each night. It felt so liberating and alive to be able to go out on a few dates and I thoroughly enjoyed most of it. But the last night I fell apart again with the depression and guilt which ended with a handful of pills, a razor blade and me lying there naked crying alone in a filled bathtub. I am not sure what snapped me out of that but that was only a preview of how bad I was going to feel in the coming weeks.
My life literally felt like shit afterwards and functioning seemed difficult. I spent most nights wide awake and yet didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. Cutting became a relief and started to become more addictive to the point that I was running out of hidden places to slice. Finally I wrote a note, took a butcher knife, and just sat on my kitchen floor with it at my throat trying to will my hand to just end the mistake that is my life. I sat there for I don't know how long as my legs feel asleep from the awkward angle until I finally gave up again. I felt so alone that night and still battle with thoughts of going back to that place.
After finally confiding these feelings to my therapist, I followed her advice and went back to the gender clinic. I think I freaked them out with my thoughts of suicide there and spent a good long time talking about handling these impulses. I left there with my first prescription for HRT and starting this November I looked myself in the mirror and took my first dosage.
I have been on all types of anti-depressants but the first estrogen pills felt so good inside. It was like the warm comforting feeling of a nice hot bath and floating away blissfully for a few moments as my body absorbed them. I didn't expect this feeling but soon came to crave it and is something I look so forward to as my daily retreat. Physically I did not feel much in the first few weeks but once my chest started to hurt I knew that changes were coming. Emotionally I was so over the board that I haven't noticed any changes from previously but keep bracing for those effects.
As December arrived here, I got the chance to relax and take a few Jaclyn days here. I took some small steps in getting my eyebrows done and my first bra-fitting (hopefully to help the really sensitive chest now) and most importantly my first hair-removal consult. I broke down in the chair there as I have been dreaming of riding the gruesome, disgusting, revolting hair for practically ever since puberty. I don't think there is one single part of my body I hate more than my body hair and just to talk about finally doing something just felt so so good. Anyhow, I feel like there are some small steps here that I have taken and start to feel after 6 weeks that perhaps there is a path for Jaclyn maybe.
But I am so worried and anxious. I still just do not know what to do or what my next step should be. I have a follow-up with the clinic in the beginning of next year and still unsure if I should go. I feel ashamed and not genuine as a trans person since I harbor these doubts, and not able to voice these to anyone. I know I could probably find someone to understand if I attended a social or support group, but that is just not what I am able to do and that makes me so sad and alone. I have shared only a little bit with my soulmate of my inner thoughts and worry constantly on the day when I can no longer hide away. I feel destined to be alone, to be miserable, to be a failure and yet I don't seem to be able to give up the dream of being Jaclyn someday. I will have literally nothing then besides a big hole in my heart and think that I may just spare this one day by just ending things.
I just don't know and don't feel like I am in control anymore. Please help me 2017 as I hope for brighter days ahead.