re-socialization?

 Hello blog -

I am sitting alone and doing one of those things I seem to do often here - contemplate my life and thoughts and not really do much else beside write about them.  Last week I did get a brief time to spend as Jaclyn which felt good and also did not because I seem to be trapped inside by myself.

I am not sure why I feel like I cannot go out anymore, I was doing it with more frequency and going to more public places before but now I feel like I have lost the ability to be social.

I think it may have started with Covid trapping us inside around five years ago as the opportunity for me to dress went away for a long time as my family while knowing is also not accepting.   But if that was a reason I am sure it is not the only reason as I feel depressed and trapped even at home alone now.

I feel like I need something or someone or ??? to help me re-socialize.  Sounds really crazy but I I feel more scared today in going out than I did almost 15 years ago when I left home as Jaclyn for the first time. I question myself at every opportunity and feel ashamed and depressed for being me.

How does an older person meet others or make friends?  I am a severe introvert so I just can't go up to a stranger and start a conversation or relax.  I really miss having friends to talk to that understand and I can share with which is probably why I type so many lonely thoughts out in my blog here.

I want to set a goal to go out at least 1 time in the next 90 days.  If I can make a new friend that would be a bonus but right now that seems like a stretch.  I don't know if I can do it but I can't if I don't try.

Until then...