checking out

Today is the 17th of January 2025 and I am sitting here alone once again with my blog to journal out the thoughts in my head.  I have been feeling depressed all week bundled up inside while the world around me is cold and dark.  I am not sure if this is all because of the weather or that I have disengaged with the world at large.

Nothing seems to help to warm me up with this cold that seems like it comes within.

I can't remember the last time that I dressed as Jaclyn and gone out and this phase of my life seems like another miserable failing.  I still hate my body so much from any part of it I think about, but I also hate everything non-physical about myself.

I'm giving up whatever this was as I must have been deluding myself since nothing ever changes. I am not trans but really I am mentally ill and have accepted that is all I will ever be.

I've started cutting again but that doesn't give any relief anymore and really everyday looks like the same as the last day of meaningless shit. My therapist tells me that she feels happiness is possible but really I hate that false promise.  

Right now there is nothing I look forward to and dread just getting out of bed knowing that it is just a waste of motions throughout the day.  I just am a fucking idiot sitting here alone behind a keyboard documenting trivial dribble with the sick thoughts in my head.

I am not a victim or someone to pity, I am just a mistake and not worth being in this world.

Today is the 17th of January 2025 and I am checking out from here. I don't think I'll be back or at least not for a long while.