Considering K

 Hello blog,

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately even if it seems like there is not really much different day to day.  It is hard for me to gauge that though as living with chronic depression means that each day really feels like an endless stream of hopelessness and why bother and each day is only a checkmark on a calendar.

I literally would be hard pressed to think of anything I am looking forward to and really have been battling the constant self harm voices that seem so ever present.   Even the cutting sessions that I have seem pointless and not really make me feel any different either way.

After alot of advice, I have started to consider again ketamine therapy treatments as a possible path to move me from the stuck hole of depression I seem to wallow within.  I have been told this will help reframe my thinking and change my thoughts as this big term neuroplasticity keeps being thrown out to me.

I feel rather hopeless and skeptical of this changing anything, but feel like I don't have a choice in it.  I have researched and visited three facilities prior and think this will be last opportunity for it for me. 

I'm really scared of it but my therapist says that this is really fear of change.  I have so much self-hate and self-loathing of myself regardless of the gender and worried that this will just magnify those feelings. I have been feeling vey suicidal and thinking about those things and worry this may override any self-preservation that has been keeping me around.  Maybe that's a good thing.  Regardless, I feel that my spouse and therapists are pushing and I have no choice but to go through with it.  My thoughts and feelings are usually opposite of reality so I am going to have to give this a chance I believe.

I know I don't want to go on like this but I don't know if I want to change.   My life is all fucked up and I guess that is why I use this to escape.  I just wish I had some idea of what going forward would look like and had had any idea what to do.