Good morning blog, at least it is morning but not so good for me right now.
Right now I am struggling alot. I feel like the god damn GD has been really kicking in and this is fueling vicious rounds of internal transphobia. I feel lost and unable to concentrate on anything besides this wretched cycle that is going over and over in my mind.
And to the outside world I may just appear quiet, thoughtful, nondescript as I have no other outlet besides this one right now to use.
I so badly want to dress up, do my makeup, go shopping or get out of the house and I hate myself for this. More than anything I want to connect with someone who understands, not virtually but sitting across from them and having a cup of coffee or whatever and talking to another person that understands and has gone through this as well.
I know that therapists tell me that feelings are temporary and I need to breath and relax and be self compassionate and all this other BS. I just can't seem to stop these intrusive thoughts right now no matter how hard I try and I am scratching my skin wanting it to stop (really really trying hard not to cut).
Then the hate and disgust at myself I feel has only gotten more intense lately, I feel like every time I look at the media or news I just see more and more stories being run against trans people or how wrong being trans is in America and I can't stop but amplify my self hate with this.
I'm really not well. I am a very sick person and I am too weak to do anything but to write about it and pretend I am fine.
Today is not a good day.
I understand self hate. I have been hating myself since I was a small child. I was the family scapegoat and was bullied a lot by family and others. That is just me, then add on the GD of my whole life. I hear you girl and I feel it too.
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