Hanging on by just my pinkie.
That's sort of where I am at this moment in time as it feels like the quietness I am portraying is hiding the storms roiling inside of me. I have been agonizing over my cycle of my self-acceptance / rejection / depression and lately these have become really intense. I am not sure if the ketamine treatments are intensifying this or if this is just another intense period of my gender identity questioning but either way I feel very near the edge. I feel like I am at the point right now where I am just hanging on to my current reality by just one pinkie and dangling and barely holding on.
Today my therapist told me that it is hardest right before change and hardest right before breaking through. I don't know what I am breaking through and don't feel prepared for anything, but I think change will be coming no matter how much I fight against it. I know that I have been fighting it and scared of the future and a mix of fear and emotions and holding on to the tiniest bit. I just need to let go.
For me, it’s that awful loop of self-acceptance, then rejection, then shame… and then right back again. Some days I feel like I’m finally figuring it out—and other days, I’m terrified I’ll lose everything.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, the fear? The guilt? So much of that comes from growing up in a world where being trans wasn’t even a word we knew. It’s like trying to rewrite the rules of your whole life with no map.
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. It made me feel a little less alone in all the mess. 💜