Push to reach the summit of mount acceptance

 Hello Blog,

This week I am coming up on a date on a calendar that has caused me great angst in the past.  It will be date that I mark the anniversary of my coming out - that is the date that I shared the feelings I had hidden deep inside me about my gender with my family for the first time.

This will be my 12th anniversary of this date, and looking back brings alot of emotions to the surface.  Most of them not very good as my first attempt at coming out was a crash and burn disaster as I have detailed and pined about many many times in this blog.

I remember the reason I started this blog was to try and get an outlet to share my thoughts and build up for that date I would eventually come out.  That was one of those things which in hindsight seems really short sighted and I have used this outlet from time to time for so much more.  Mostly to have a safe place to explore, to scream out the thoughts that I hid deep inside from others, and a place to keep my sanity.

I am preparing for my next treatment session which will occur right before this anniversary, and I am preparing for a specific purpose of this session.  While it is an artificial environment, I am intending to try to force myself to be open and vulnerable and to face the fearsome prospect of accepting myself.  I know that I have been my biggest critic, my biggest foe and destructor trying to protect myself while inflicting so much self harm.  I need to face myself and wage the battle inside my head and finally reach that point of self acceptance that I has been the holy grail I have been searching for.

If I can achieve that, then the next part is to go forward with others.  That is another scary mountain to climb but I can't even start that path until I summit the fear inside of accepting myself and that this is good.

I am Jaclyn and Jaclyn will always be a part of me.