Today I feel like an utter failure. I know that I tried telling myself my daily affirmations and thought stopping but this feeling has been building the last few days and I cannot stop the landslide in my mind.
I thought I was getting better but realize that was all an illusion. I am incapable to be well and I feel like the most pathetic, worthless being alive right now. That being said I question that alive part and the wisdom of not just giving up at times.
My body/gender dysphoria is like constant alarm here lately and I am struggling how to explain this to others that have no idea what that is like. But the real struggle is more mental than physical as I feel so f@ck!d up and hopeless.
I don't know why I even try.
Jaclyn, I feel this way more often than I want to admit. Reading your words hits hard. That constant hum of dysphoria, the mental spiral, the feeling like you should be past this by now… yeah. You’re not alone in that.
ReplyDeleteI won’t tell you it gets better overnight, because you already know it doesn’t. But I will say this—you showing up and writing all this matters. It matters more than you probably realize right now.
Some days, just not giving up is the win. And even if it feels like you’re failing, you’re not failing alone.
You've got this, love.