Hi blog,
I'm feeling rather depressed and disappointed at myself again lately. I have been pushing myself towards self-acceptance only to push back even harder on me.
Last week I signed up for a virtual support group, attended it for a few minutes and then had to leave as the self-hatred and sef-disgust was welling up inside. I do not know why I have so much self sabotage but I find the word hate being used alot by me to describe myself and my actions.
I feel like such a fraud, such a loser and incapable of letting myself get better. Even during therapy sessions instead of trying to listen and seek solutions I spend the majority of time thinking how much I hate myself and how much I will never let myself change.
I don't know what to do at this point. I really feel alone and want to let someone into my life but cannot seem to not push them away and feel worse about myself.
I feel the negative self talk and suicidal thoughts increasing each day more and more. If I knew there was a light at the end of this tunnel it would be easier to handle all this pain but I don't feel I can allow myself to take even a step towards it.
I am really in alot of pain right now and feel so empty inside.
~ 😭Jaclyn
Jaclyn, I’m so sorry you’re in this place right now. I’ve been there too (and some days, still am). Feeling like you’re your own worst enemy. It’s exhausting. I don’t have easy answers, but I do know you’re not alone, even if it feels that way. The fact that you keep showing up here and sharing this takes strength, even if you can’t see it right now.
ReplyDeleteHi Jaclyn, sorry to read that you're in a lot of pain right now. If it helps, I do know what your feeling right now, I've experienced similar thoughts regarding hatred, self disgust and suicide.
ReplyDeleteAlways around if you need someone to talk to, just email me, my address is on my blogger profile.