Hello blog,
Today I am going to try to maintain some positivity that
will be a departure from many of my past entries here.
While I have not been out as much as I would like and not
feeling up to writing much, I feel that desire to express my female persona is
starting to reach that all-consuming stage here. I recently decided to
finally invest in a new wig (see below for image) and update some of my
cosmetics. I have been watching YouTube makeup tutorials and listening to
trans podcasts again. I got a couple of chances and went out a
couple of times (last week to a fun drag bar) enfemme and have been working
really hard on instead of being sad and troubled having to pack up my outfits
to take the time and say good-bye until next time to my femme self at the end
of the nights.
Really what has been on top of my mind lately is how I still
live in a closet (mostly) albeit a larger one than before. It's true that
I have come out to my partner and a very small number of people, but I don't
feel like I can consider myself being out at all. It has been over 13
years since telling my partner and our “don't talk about it” policy I am
thinking is not really a good thing. Instead of freeing me from shame, it
just seems like this strategy is way to hide me away in a closet. I could be
interpreting statements like I should be inside to be safe and avoid conflicts
as code that if the neighbors or others find out about the true me it will
reflect badly on us and cause lots of problems.
For now, I am not sure where this next wave will take us but
I have pushed for us to restart counseling again. This will involve me being
brave enough to be vulnerable and honest about my feelings, and then actually
advocate for myself. That is a very scary thing for me to think about and I
need to help to take this advice. I wish
I had some real world support person (a cis hetero normal female friend would
be so amazing!) because I feel I can write and talk about things but then get
stuck irl.
For today, I am just going to enjoy my new look and try to keep
looking forward to future possibilities.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
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