Fall season

Good morning blog,

Today is officially the last day of summer as our rotating planet reaches the fall equinox in its annual journey sometime tomorrow.   With the cooler temperatures, this also marks the season of pumpkin spice, crisp evenings and more importantly changing of wardrobes into light sweaters, longer pants and many more variations of style.

I have traditionally looked forward to this being my favorite time of the year, especially the early fall when it is still warm enough to avoid jackets yet cool enough to try longer fashions out.

Right now though I am struggling and feeling maybe seasonally depressed or something.  I am not sure of the exact reasons but inside of me I have been feeling very blue and low.  I have the opportunity this coming weekend to have some precious Jaclyn time and I am struggling to feel excited and wondering if it would be worth the trouble of getting dressed.  I haven't gone shopping in ages and feel my wardrobe is so outdated and just went and purged a good portion of things that I haven't worn in a long time a few weeks ago.

I feel struggling and I feel alone - not by society but by self-choice - and I am hoping that taking some time here writing to help me sort some things out.  I keep trying the talk therapy and leave most times feeling like I am a freak and can't seem to rationalize things.  I love the trans community and feel so proud of my brothers and sisters who are so brave and self-affirming, but when it comes to myself I feel ashamed.  I hate my body image, I hate so much about my existence but cannot muster up enough strength to actually do anything.

I feel pathetic, whiny, small and worthless right now.

So, here’s the thing.  I know that nothing is ever going to change and this malaise is going to just continue unless I do something.  I want to make a change.  That is really the reason that I am typing out this blog and thinking and dreaming about it in my head.  I want to experience the world as Jaclyn and feel that crisp fall breeze through my hair (albeit not my real hair) and feel that happiness inside again that I have had brief glimpses of before.  I want to avoid that terrible post-dressing feeling of shame and guilt when I have to bury and hide my persona away.  I want to share with others, to be vulnerable together to hug and support and know that I am accepted.

I know all these steps, I just cannot overcome that stupid blaring alarm in my head that goes off when I want to act on this and so I sit here frozen, alone, sad.

I’m tired of waiting for that fairy godmother to bring me a Cinderella moment and know its all up to me to do that.  I just feel sad and only see pumpkins.