Hi there blog,
I am really struggling right now and hoping that writing will help me here. The past few days I have been spending most free moments in my head thinking about how much I want to be female and wishing I was on hormone treatment. I just hate this male shell of mine and the hair and flatness about it. If anything, I just think having more estrogen in my body would help calm me down and improve how I feel. I want to get my eyebrows cleaned up as well and may make an appointment for that soon as well. I know that makes no sense, but I just find myself staring at the mirror with a tweazzers and then crying about it.
I hate this life and I hate being so f@$$d up.
Jacki
The personal thoughts in a confused journey
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Clouds
Hello blog,
Today is columbus day or at least the holiday as it celebrated here. I've never quite gotten how we celebrate a holiday to commenorate that the Indians were told their homeland is now discovered but then again I guess that is the perspective of those writing text books.
Last week I had my first session with a new therapist. I hope that this will be productive and will give her an earnest shot. I am still not quite sure of this entire therapy thing. I alsmost left her office after waiting almost a half hour in the waiting room - I hope that is not par for her running late each time. I spent the time working on a new poem below and started to write some more.
Other miscellaneous thoughts in the old cranium here. I dared to venture on a scale last week for the first time in a few and saw that my weight was still a touch below 150 even though I cheated by stripping down to just my underwear to weigh in. I'm going to start working to try and get to 140 at least so I'll see how that goes. When I mentioned that and some of my history to the therapist, I instantly earned the depresssion dignostic code. Oh well, that is really depressing. And onto to more depressing news, follow this link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-kaufman/my-life-with-david-danielle-kaufman_b_4072395.html to read about a transgender woman who decided it was too much to keep going on. I can sympathisize with her knowing that feeling of being up somewhere wondering what you were doing or if you should jump. I guess for better or worse I am not been known for my follow-through here.
Well, that about wraps my current thoughts for the moment. I'll try to struggle on through for another day here and hope that things will seem a bit brighter. Till then, take care.
Hugs,
Jacki
Clouds
Over busy citizens far below,
These formless shapes without any weight or soul,
These unjudging vessels that life depends,
These silent witnesses to our pretense,
These poweful clouds do we even notice them?
Today is columbus day or at least the holiday as it celebrated here. I've never quite gotten how we celebrate a holiday to commenorate that the Indians were told their homeland is now discovered but then again I guess that is the perspective of those writing text books.
Last week I had my first session with a new therapist. I hope that this will be productive and will give her an earnest shot. I am still not quite sure of this entire therapy thing. I alsmost left her office after waiting almost a half hour in the waiting room - I hope that is not par for her running late each time. I spent the time working on a new poem below and started to write some more.
Other miscellaneous thoughts in the old cranium here. I dared to venture on a scale last week for the first time in a few and saw that my weight was still a touch below 150 even though I cheated by stripping down to just my underwear to weigh in. I'm going to start working to try and get to 140 at least so I'll see how that goes. When I mentioned that and some of my history to the therapist, I instantly earned the depresssion dignostic code. Oh well, that is really depressing. And onto to more depressing news, follow this link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-kaufman/my-life-with-david-danielle-kaufman_b_4072395.html to read about a transgender woman who decided it was too much to keep going on. I can sympathisize with her knowing that feeling of being up somewhere wondering what you were doing or if you should jump. I guess for better or worse I am not been known for my follow-through here.
Well, that about wraps my current thoughts for the moment. I'll try to struggle on through for another day here and hope that things will seem a bit brighter. Till then, take care.
Hugs,
Jacki
Clouds
Clouds that drift overhead,
Silently shifing, bringing life, bringing dread,
Randomly dispersing their contents onto the ground,
Their lonely cold tears they shed.
Over busy citizens far below,
Bustling, rushing, moving to and fro;
Where are they going?
What does it all mean?
Why should we even care?
These formless shapes without any weight or soul,
Without eyes, ears or senses to hear our despair,
Do we take for granted the clouds above?
Or do they reflect our deep feelings inside?
Or do they reflect our deep feelings inside?
These unjudging vessels that life depends,
These silent witnesses to our pretense,
These poweful clouds do we even notice them?
Do you feel their rain and know,
Their silent tears are raining down again,
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Hello Blog,
It has been a long summer since I last wrote and now the weather is turning cooler as Fall is in full swing. The inner turmoil for me continues to swirl and I feel desperate, alone and end up crying to myself trying to figure out what the hell my life is all about still.
I tried to give my "male" therapist a shot but frankly I felt no connection to him and it seemed like all our talks contiued to revolve around suicide so I stopped seeing him. Tomorrow I am going to try a new female therapist and I am scared once again about seeing here.
Physically, I went through a cycle where I lost weight but lately seem to be gaining it back and still hate my body so much. My hair sucks, my face sucks, my skin, my fat, etc. etc. - it all sucks. Deep inside I still wish so much I was born female or could magically change but I know that won't happen and can't admit it ever again.
I've spent the time trying to rebuild the relationship with my wife and family in order to keep things together. I did manage a fun outing with my girlfriend into the city and we even did some Michigan avenue shopping and that was so much fun. I know most people could tell that I was in drag but it was a hoot being out there and not caring. But that was the last outing for Jacyln.
The biggest arguement came near the end of summer with my wife when trying to convinve her weeks of therapy was working she came out and confronted the fact that I still had all of Jaclyn's clothes. So I did the big purge once again, and I have been so depressed since that time knowing how many small victories it took to amass it all and then in one fell swoop to lose it.
I have really been having urges to go back to buying clothes once again, and have been having dreams where my penis disappears. I hate myself and know I need to stop this but it is so damn hard. I stopped writing and thinking that maybe I need to restart again to help ease the tension, but who knows what the hell I am doing. Lately I have been going to tall places and staring down and wondering if I should just give it all up or what I should do. I really wanted to reach out to Barb to talk to her but I know how much my wife hates her so I haven't. I wish I knew just what to do...
Ciao,
Jacyln
It has been a long summer since I last wrote and now the weather is turning cooler as Fall is in full swing. The inner turmoil for me continues to swirl and I feel desperate, alone and end up crying to myself trying to figure out what the hell my life is all about still.
I tried to give my "male" therapist a shot but frankly I felt no connection to him and it seemed like all our talks contiued to revolve around suicide so I stopped seeing him. Tomorrow I am going to try a new female therapist and I am scared once again about seeing here.
Physically, I went through a cycle where I lost weight but lately seem to be gaining it back and still hate my body so much. My hair sucks, my face sucks, my skin, my fat, etc. etc. - it all sucks. Deep inside I still wish so much I was born female or could magically change but I know that won't happen and can't admit it ever again.
I've spent the time trying to rebuild the relationship with my wife and family in order to keep things together. I did manage a fun outing with my girlfriend into the city and we even did some Michigan avenue shopping and that was so much fun. I know most people could tell that I was in drag but it was a hoot being out there and not caring. But that was the last outing for Jacyln.
The biggest arguement came near the end of summer with my wife when trying to convinve her weeks of therapy was working she came out and confronted the fact that I still had all of Jaclyn's clothes. So I did the big purge once again, and I have been so depressed since that time knowing how many small victories it took to amass it all and then in one fell swoop to lose it.
I have really been having urges to go back to buying clothes once again, and have been having dreams where my penis disappears. I hate myself and know I need to stop this but it is so damn hard. I stopped writing and thinking that maybe I need to restart again to help ease the tension, but who knows what the hell I am doing. Lately I have been going to tall places and staring down and wondering if I should just give it all up or what I should do. I really wanted to reach out to Barb to talk to her but I know how much my wife hates her so I haven't. I wish I knew just what to do...
Ciao,
Jacyln
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