Multiple parts of me

Hello blog,

As I start to pick up the pieces from my last crash and burn, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and self-learning along the way.

One of the things I have been reflecting lately is around self identity and trying to reconcile my femme persona (Jaclyn) with my masculine persona (John).  Talk about a true mind-bender here.
Probably up to the last week my thought was for one to survive, the other one must perish.  Now after a couple of deep thoughts I have come to realize how simplistic and incorrect that statement really is.

As I spend the days right now presenting and functioning as John, I realize that often many parts of my personality or behaviors really are coming from my Jaclyn perspective.  I often feel encouraged by these thoughts and actions as I feel more engaging, open and in touch with my emotional side when I let my Jaclyn side out.

Conversely if this is true, then if there is a day I function and present as Jaclyn, I will still have my John side as part of me.  But that does not need to be bad as it will include all my prior experiences and I can try to work on letting the desirable John traits in and the undesirable ones go.

Thus in reality I feel like I am sorta like the ice cream swirl of personality and perhaps think of myself with a gender neutral name like Jackie to remind me of both parts.  Of course, adding more names will seem to confuse things but then again what is really simple and straightforward in a gender questioning world?

So I think I am going to take this little piece of perspective today and move further towards my quest of understanding and accepting the true me.  I have found a nearby support group with others that prize the gift of multiple gender identity and think that will be a big step to attend and connect with others.

If there is anything this past month and half has taught me, is that I cannot do this myself and I do need help in this world.  I am going to reach out to try and understand all parts of me and to chose to take the positive parts and nuture these regardless of what identity I finally present.  I hope that someday this will become more clearer for me as I keep taking those small steps towards the goal of self acceptance.  For today, I am going to realize that being in touch with multiple sides of me is really a gift that makes me special for whom I really am.

Hugs,
Jaclyn-John-Jackie  

new patterns

Good morning blog,

After a rainy week, this morning we were treated to sunshine and with that and the spring blooms starting to appear it makes me think of new beginnings here.

As a result of my recent many hours of therapeutic work I am not going to try to forget the struggles of the past month but instead accept them and try and focus on today and what I can do instead. 

And in the spirit of actually doing something, I am going to start holding myself accountable to make a healthy choice about my gender identidy and what it means.

I am planning to meet with a therapist with experience treating gender dysphoria patients Monday and to try and communicate this as honestly as I can with my spouse. Being open with her is going to be hard and have consequences but I cannot keep just pretending I’m fine when I really am not.  I also researched and found a transgender therapy support group to join that will be starting in a month.  I don’t think I can do this all by myself anymore and asking others is something that I need to keep doing.

Finally, I am going to try and give myself some space to accept the good things about me rather than dwell on everything that I perceive as bad.  That is going to be a toughy but yesterday to celebrate my progress I had a much needed Jaclyn day out and about.  I spoiled myself by finding some rings and a new dress, and pampered myself by getting my brows cleaned and shaped.  It was very emotional up and down day since this was my first outing since the hospital.  I need to do more of these as it feels good to be authentic and happy inside. 

So today I am choosing to pick myself up a little and take a small step back.  Being trans is not an easy journey nor is a straight line I see now.  But hopefully as the sun shines and brings flowers I will too someday bloom as well.

Hugs,

Jaclyn

  

asking for help

Hello blog,

Originally I was planning to title this entry 'crash and burn' since that seems to summarize up March 2017 for me here.  Instead I am hoping to use the trials of this month as a step back, sideways, and forward or something like that.  The one thing I realize from this journey is that I need to ask for help, and that is one thing I have a really hard time doing.

Here's a quick synapses of the prior month or so of my life that have not been fun.  It started with my HRT prescription running out and me being unable to get in to see the doctor.  Then I had a major blow-up with my therapist corresponding to an strong episode of battling my gender dsyphoria. Combine all that with my constant depression and telling someone that I am worthless and should just swallow 20 Tylenol or something like that earned me a late night trip to the ER combined with
a nice week to spend in a closely monitored hospital stay.  From there I got to apply for work disability and complete a day program for 2.5 weeks before being able to resume my life in limited capacity here.

What did I learn from all this?

I learned to slow down and listen and think a bit.  I learned to listen to my thoughts of self-worthlessness and realize my distorted view of reality.  I learned to listen about self acceptance.  That is a very hard pill and I don't think I can claim victory there just yet.  I learned that the behaviors I was doing that were getting me tired and frustrated just weren't working and really how much longer do I need to bang my head against the proverbial wall not getting anywhere.  I learned that I need to make a change, and to do this I need to ask for help.  That is a tough lesson for someone like me that thinks I can do all this on my own, I can't.  And to get out of the pattern of being stuck I need to surrender and that's not a bad thing - in doing this I am essentially stating that I can't continue on alone and I need to let others in.  So I think I learned some things, but how am I going to put this in practice?

I've reached out to a new therapist and started working on goals and planning steps to determine where I want to go and how to get there.   I've started writing feverishly again, and probably have like 5 or 6 new poems that I've completed.  I've looked up a local transgender support group and I am going to try and talk with others there.  Finally, I've decided that I have to be authentic and true to myself no matter what that would mean to others.

It has been a long and arduous struggle this past month of my life.  This next one will be another struggle too.  I wish I knew what it would bring, but it doesn't and I have to pick up the pieces and go forward.

I need a hug.

~Jaclyn