Starting over...again.
Or at least I hope that it is not completely from the beginning.
IMO, I think anyone that battles lifelong with their gender identity and norms of society probably has multiple starts and stops along the way. At least I hope that I am more 'normal' in one respect this way.
Jaclyn has this voice deep inside me that seems to grow stronger and stronger at times. I can feel these times are overtaking me once again and holding out is beyond my control.
I took a brave step today and made a new appointment to discuss hrt and how to transition at the clinic. That will be in less than 2 weeks.
I am so excited, scared, nervous and excited about things.
I am looking for the start of something good and making me whole.
Not sure what that all is - freedom, angst, peace, love, confusion.
I am going to ask for so much hope, and pray that taking this small step today will lead me to other larger ones.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
The personal thoughts in a confused journey
Thursday, March 1, 2018
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
New eyes
Good morning blog,
It has been a few days since my last posting here as I have been trying not to spend too much time online. The reason being is that I finally got up the guts to go through with laser eye correction and have tried not to stare at a screen too much.
It is now almost two weeks since and it still feels wonderful to not need those pesky spectacles every second of the day. A day after the procedure I spent some time trying on outfits and looking at myself in a full length mirror without glasses and seeing myself not blurry. That was a very liberating and happy moment and I can't wait for the next opportunity to go out.
For my next outing, I have a few ideas and have been discussing taking steps to someday transition with my counselor again. Its hard living when your mind and heart disagree and I still feel the pull each day to live authentically and damn the personal costs that would incur. I'm hoping that my new eyes will help me see straight enough to make the right decision soon.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
It has been a few days since my last posting here as I have been trying not to spend too much time online. The reason being is that I finally got up the guts to go through with laser eye correction and have tried not to stare at a screen too much.
It is now almost two weeks since and it still feels wonderful to not need those pesky spectacles every second of the day. A day after the procedure I spent some time trying on outfits and looking at myself in a full length mirror without glasses and seeing myself not blurry. That was a very liberating and happy moment and I can't wait for the next opportunity to go out.
For my next outing, I have a few ideas and have been discussing taking steps to someday transition with my counselor again. Its hard living when your mind and heart disagree and I still feel the pull each day to live authentically and damn the personal costs that would incur. I'm hoping that my new eyes will help me see straight enough to make the right decision soon.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Friday, December 15, 2017
Winter reflections
Hello blog,
As the last few weeks of 2017 wind down here, I have been doing some reflection recently. While I did manage to take some positive steps during 2017, I am going to think of this past year as a lot of what ifs and difficult times. While it has not been fun, I think I may have learned a little more about myself this year and hope that will pay off in 2018 and beyond.
I started off the year feeling fairly positive and good with a few months of HRT seeming to put my mind at ease. However while I felt a kind of internal peace, I also started feeling myself withdraw as I anticipated coming to a critical decision point where it was time to really move forward. I wish I could be writing here today that I did something with courage and could hold my head up proud about, but honestly I did nothing like that. Instead, I freaked out and chose the path of self-destruction. In the very long and cold early hours of a March night, I felt like I could go no further in this world and started to take steps to end everything.
That was an awful night and the month and half intervention left some lasting scars on me. I still haven't fully recovered yet and often I still think I am going back to that place. I have multiple people classifying and telling me to ignore these distorted thoughts that go on, but I honestly feel like a failure in this world at times.
Slowly this past month I have started to make some plans and feel like I am getting drawn back into the world of Jaclyn even though I am not able to give up my current one. It still goes against most logical thoughts and I feel so lonely and lost here.
What will 2018 bring me? I wish I had hat crystal ball or at least some idea here. I guess that's why I am still here to find out for.
Happy holidays and wishes for a merry new year.
~Jaclyn
As the last few weeks of 2017 wind down here, I have been doing some reflection recently. While I did manage to take some positive steps during 2017, I am going to think of this past year as a lot of what ifs and difficult times. While it has not been fun, I think I may have learned a little more about myself this year and hope that will pay off in 2018 and beyond.
I started off the year feeling fairly positive and good with a few months of HRT seeming to put my mind at ease. However while I felt a kind of internal peace, I also started feeling myself withdraw as I anticipated coming to a critical decision point where it was time to really move forward. I wish I could be writing here today that I did something with courage and could hold my head up proud about, but honestly I did nothing like that. Instead, I freaked out and chose the path of self-destruction. In the very long and cold early hours of a March night, I felt like I could go no further in this world and started to take steps to end everything.
That was an awful night and the month and half intervention left some lasting scars on me. I still haven't fully recovered yet and often I still think I am going back to that place. I have multiple people classifying and telling me to ignore these distorted thoughts that go on, but I honestly feel like a failure in this world at times.
Slowly this past month I have started to make some plans and feel like I am getting drawn back into the world of Jaclyn even though I am not able to give up my current one. It still goes against most logical thoughts and I feel so lonely and lost here.
What will 2018 bring me? I wish I had hat crystal ball or at least some idea here. I guess that's why I am still here to find out for.
Happy holidays and wishes for a merry new year.
~Jaclyn
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