Hoping for happiness in 2022

 Hello and happy holidays to everyone regardless of whatever celebrations you do or do not take part in.  One thing we all celebrate is the new year and I am getting ready to make 2022 the year of my change.

I have been spending alot of time in self-reflection and acceptance and decided I need to take care of the dysphoria and feeling of being fake so that I avoid any more trips to the ER on suicide watch.  It is really scary and overwhelming but I feel 100% sure it is what I need to do.

My goal for the new year is to start to plan for my transition and take the first steps necessary.  I have a really long path to go but I will not feel genuine if I keep trying to deny myself inside.

For once I feel some clearing in my head and a path leading ahead.  Here's to celebrating things the road ahead and having the courage and strength to let my heart finally be my guide.

Cheers,
Jaclyn

A new start (again) for hopefully the last time

A new start again today.  I just took my first estrogen tablet after so long without and feel good and valid inside for once.

I know that I have started and stopped transitioning a couple of times but this time is different.  This time I am not doing it alone in stealth away from my partner.  She is still not totally supportive but I am being honest with her and everyone in my life for the first time. I am searching out support and joined a trans support group yesterday that will start soon and thinking of going out to visit some local girls that are in the area.

Things just feel so much different this time.  My perspective has changed and I realize that I do not have to be one or another gender but I could be fluid or non-binary and go to somewhere in the middle I feel is best for me.  Inside I yearn to go full-time as a woman but I will try to patient during this and not rush into things.

I feel very hopefully today after so so much time in the dark.  I am looking forward to this new chapter and trying to keep my heart open.

~ Jaclyn

A little more sunny today

Hello blog,

I am going to try to be a bit more optimistic and sunny today instead of my usual doom and gloom.  I am not going to apologize for those feelings as those are part of me, but rather work on being a little bit better each day.

Some new updates since my recent posts.  After my last meltdown, I have started more intensive therapy daily and been working towards acceptance.  I went to visit an endocrinologist to discuss hormone therapy and got some baseline levels done.  I am waiting to speak with her around starting a prescription once they are read and really excited about that.   I have also reached out to some local trans groups and support groups and going to try to put myself out there.  I have been discussing this all with my wife and slowly working with her to do small incremental steps.

I do worry though that as I continue I feel more and more that it is time that I accept myself completely and let myself free.  I feel like it is a building wave here and I have started so far that I may not be able to go back now.  I have thought that many times before but this does feel a little different.  Time will tell if I have that courage and strength.  Slowly I need to tell myself and look for supports.   It is just hard after you feel like you wasted too much time.

Today I wrote a new poem after awhile.  Not very good but it sums my head space right now.  

~Jaclyn

Always Me

Looking at myself,

Don't like anything about me,

Anger, sadness,  despair all around,

Why can't I be who I want to be?

I don't look right to other people,

I don't fit any simple box or label,

Others may think I should forget this folly completely,

But it will always be there with me.

Always there, wherever I look

Always there, running through my brain,

Always there, among others I see

Always there, but never me

Yet.