Struggle Within

Just came across an old poem of mine that still resonates with me and I wanted to publish it here before losing it again. 

Struggle Within 

I stare deeply off to the far horizon 

Watery vision only comes to me 

I wonder why I can never move forward 

I wonder why I can never be free

It hurts so deeply, so quietly within 

I feel so alone, a freak to hide away 

To be a shame for those I love

To be a false promise to them each day

I don't fit into boxes, I don't comply at all 

I don't really know where to begin

Each day the battle rages on, 

An eternal struggle within 

At day end I run away 

Lack the courage to make a change 

To become the real me 

Instead of this foolish charade

I desperately need some tender shoulder to embrace 

Some caring hand to direct the right way 

I've gone down so many wrong turns that I'm turned all about

This is the hell that I am destined to stay 

On the verge of giving up 

I keep hoping for sun 

Praying for this circle to break 

Praying for somewhere to run

I can't keep inside the pain I feel much longer 

And the fear that I am just a mistake

I struggle each day within myself

Too much for me to take.

bottom

I'm turning here to write because I am unable to turn to anywhere else. Today I have no motivation to live anymore and just feel completely dead inside. I take that back, I don't really feel anything inside but just a hollow shell. I have no sense of identity, no sense of being and no idea what I am or want. I've tried to explain this to people and they don't really listen but try to argue more with me until I lash out in anger and hopelessness that it will ever get any better. It won't bacause I can't let it and I can't control why I am this way. I am just broken, worthless and at my end. I don't have anywhere to turn to anymore but just to sit her and cry in the misery I wrought. I know what I need to do but just can't take that final step. I don't know anything anymore.

Last Post

Hello and good bye blog, I have not been writing much lately because I have been depressed, anxious, sad and just not able to make many coherent thoughts. Today however writing for me is simple because I have peace, solitude, acceptance of my plan ahead. I am coming up on the nine year anniversary of coming out as Jaclyn and it has been a tumultuous nine years since that date. I have had many experiences, shared thoughts and opinions with others, spent time analyzing things in therapy, and even reached out for medical assistance. Really in the end I am no further than what I was nine years ago and just have a lot of sorrow and regret for what could have been. But that is passed now, instead of bouts of non-controllable crying I know just have silent thoughts and no more tears. My commitment to my family and others is complete, I hoped to be around a little longer to celebrate a bit but things are taken care of so that everyone can function independently and even have some reserves that I have put aside for them financially. I am now starting to disperse of some of those token objects that I foolishly once covetted and to say my final good byes. I have already started down that list and know it is time to say good bye to this blog and my delusional fantasy world as Jaclyn and to cross that off the list. It feels comforting to have an exit plan and final date all set. In the sweet words of others I am finally coming home and going to drown out all the noise. Good bye blog and thank you for being there for me. Jaclyn