What am I (part 2: items 4-6)

 Hello Blog - 

Continuing my previous threads here, I wanted to keep up momentum and try to get as much down in writing before hitting any blocks or depression states. 

One personal lifetime goal that I am coming up is experiencing a total solar eclipse live.  Given that this may be the last total one in the US for a long time, I have been making plans to travel to the path next Monday afternoon to hopefully be part of this event.    As I am crossing my fingers for clear skies to view the upcoming solar eclipse next week, I feel a bit reflective on other lifetime goals and experiences.  

Exploring and trying to understand myself in some ways has been at least another experience that has been exclusive to me as well.   I guess that in some ways is why I feel the need to keep listing and thinking about these things and use this blog to 'get them out' of my wee head here. 

I appreciate anyone that may stumble across these words and understand how perplexing I may seem.  At a minimum, I use this blog for me and can only imagine how this may all read some time down the road.  For today though, I keep crossing my fingers that this process will clear my own personal skies and hope that I can see clearly from it.   

Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions

(4.) Feelings of my appearance presenting as another gender.

Something that has confused me in my life is my relationship to appearance in either gender.   Growing up as a boy, I was always curious with appearance and clothes that girls got to wear which I was forbidden from.  I tried my mom's clothes and makeup on in secret and hid away my shame for many years when sneaking anything feminine on.  Later on in life, I started in the obsessing/buying/purging cycles of clothes in secret and seriously started with trying on wigs, makeup and other tools to change my look.  Soon trying to match outfits and accessories together with cute shoes would become a hidden passion. 

Probably the point that I most remember most vividly is the first time I let myself free and got a professional makeover and photo shoot (hint - image on the blog page here). When I first stepped in front of a mirror and took my whole appearance in that flooding feeling of joy was so unexpected and overcoming.  I can't really put that feeling into words but the rush of that moment still comes back to me at times here.

Since that point, I have continued to go back and forth with appearance.  I seem to pick something to obsess on for awhile (finding a cute pair of boots, a nice casual jeans/blouse combo, a flirty and fun sun dress, etc.) and then put everything away hidden for awhile.  

I still feel much shame and shallowness that I seem to focus on my appearance as I know there are much more important things than clothes to define a person. I wonder if this is some type of kink or fetish since sometimes I can feel sexy and sometimes I can just feel relaxed in other clothes. Sometimes I want to build up my wardrobe and sometimes I want to throw things out and move on.  I guess I don't know what to make out of this.  

(5.)  Internal image disgust / obsession with hair

As opposite with obsessing over presenting in a different gender is my internal disgust and self-hate I have with my "natural" image. 

I am not sure if I am sick or insecure but I really hate, hate, hate, hate, hate looking at myself and struggle so bad at pretending that I am fine with myself.  I can't look at a mirror, photos of me make cringe inside and really there is not one solitary part of my body that I like.

This may be called body dysmorphia or other fancy terms but it feels like a shameful sickness of mine.  We tell children to love the person inside and not the outside but I fall down with this all the time.  I feel silly, shallow, weak, and/or hypocritical as I go through life pretending that I am happy with myself an how I look doesn't matter.  I've heard fake it until you make it but I have trouble believing that making it is ever possible for me.  Just thinking of my image while writing here makes me feel uncomfortable and wonder why I can't let this just go.

To take this dumpster fire and toss on gallons of gasoline would be for me to express my feelings towards hair.

Male body hair is even more loathsome that the disgust I feel for my body overall.  If you are cis female or have very light/no body hair I cannot explain to you how cat-shit vomit my body feels when I look at the disgusting follicles.  I can get stuck in cycles where I obsess over patches of hair on my chest, my legs, hands, underarms, face, wherever and wish I could get over it.  I've even splurged on rare ocurances on waxing treatments that felt so heavenly blissful when done but then I feel the shame and weakness in needing to have done this later.

The one spot I wish I had more hair is antagonizing the part of me that is lacking which is on top of this chrome dome of stupidity.  I think the one moment that changed me more than anything else was trying on my first female wig.  OMG was that fucking incredible to feel like I had hair. Even though I feel like I have no idea how to style or fashion, just putting on a wig is the one thing that makes me feel like I go from one person to Jaclyn and lifts me up so very much.    I will often just wear my wig with the rest of my male appearance just to get that feeling as it is so transformative.  Likewise, the one moment that feels soul-crushing is the moment that I have to take it off and tuck it back away in hiding.   The pain of putting away seems to hurt more each time that I now feel shy about even getting my wig out because I think of the moment I need to put it away.

I'm not sure what to make with all my body insecurity and hair obsession and what it all means.  I feel like I am insecure or shallow that I can't get past this at times and this is inescapable as each day I have to wake up to my physical form and go on.  

(6.)  Feelings in social settings with other trans people.

Since I decided a dozen years or so ago to start venturing out in the world at times as Jaclyn, I have also had mixed feelings around other trans people.   In my first interactions, it felt really nice and validating to have found some other people that had similar thoughts and feelings.

As I continued to go out sporadically and in hidden as my significant other was opposed to this, some of these feelings have changed.  I guess while I look forward and want to do this, I also feel really insecure and like a fraud around them.  Especially when I hear others who go out or live authentically fulltime, I feel sheepish and shameful that I know I will be going home to hide away for a long time after that night. 

During and post Covid here, I tried a few zoom support groups and still have that imposter feeling around others.  I guess the way I would describe this is that I feel like I don't deserve or have earned the right to be around them.  I know that I am not passable or whatever that means and that just seems to pile on my insecurities.  

I guess I feel if I was really trans then I would not feel so uncomfortable but I also feel so lonely and alone and want to be part of a group.  I don't know if this is a sign of anything or just my issues.

Well, these issues are pretty heavy and weighing on me here.  I was hoping that they would provide some clarity but I feel even more confused right now.  I will keep pushing myself forward here as I have many more points to consider but need to come back another day for that.  

I keep hoping for clearer vision and feel like I am muddling through the fog.  Until then, Hugs ~ Jaclyn

What am I (part 1: items 1-3)

 Good morning blog,

As I rambled on in my last musing, I have had alot of things in my head lately and I am going to try to spit them out virtually here as I continue to process.   In my last musing, one of the big questions on my mind was getting to understand what I really am.  Not just to have a label to be able to relate this for others, but more importantly to spend the time to be brutally honest with myself and understanding.  I'm really unsure if this will point me into any direction as a result or what I hope to gain out of this, but I feel like right now this is the thing to do.

So I start this post with the first set of numerous thoughts/behaviors/actions that I have regarding myself.  I count 14 or 15 of these but will probably change this as some are pretty similar.  Since writing them all out at once would be very long and wordy, I am going to break these up into multiple posts so I can take a break at times from thinking and try to remain fresh.  So self-judgement aside, here goes the first 3 items on my personal checklist to explore.

Understanding myself - thoughts/behaviors/actions

(1.) Amount of time contemplating gender definition.

I feel like a spend a lot of time contemplating my gender and often wonder if that is normal, weird and/or telling in any way.   This is not just something recent as it has been on my mind it seems like most of my life.   I can remember snippets of being young and trying to figure out why there was a boys team and a girls team and how I never seemed to feel comfortable in either.  I know that I was told directly how to be a man and how I was supposed to act both physically and emotionally and often wondered why the world was defined this way (or probably since I was not able to naturally fit into one team I must be wrong deep inside).  As I got older and this thing called the internet came into existence (I know that I am dating myself that most of my life was pre-world wide web), my questions and understanding about gender have greatly evolved in the past 15-20 years.  I interpret gender nowadays as not being a binary female/male only state but rather that an individual exists in a more fluid / undefinable mix between these two which can vary from day to day, hour to hour.  I think I prefer to call myself non-binary not because I want a third option but rather that I want a definition of neither male nor female because I don't feel I am either. Sort of like I am abstaining from answering this question although I know everyone from passports to drivers licenses to bathroom monitors in this world demand you to declare.   

Anyways, my question around this point is not to try to answer my personal definition but more wondering why I spend so much time thinking about it.  Is that normal? Do cis gender people who don't question their gender spend time thinking about this or is this a simple, easy truth like 'Duh, I'm a man' and there is no point in thinking further about that.  The honest truth is that I often feel like my mind is seriously fucked up and that I spend as much time thinking about gender and then how it defines or not defines me.  I don't know what that says about me but that is my contemplation point here.     

(2.) Obsession with trans books, podcasts, blogs, etc.

Sort of coinciding with the amount of time I spend thinking about gender, I also wonder why I have at times been reading/listening/browsing trans related books, posts, podcasts, etc.  I think probably around 15 years or so ago I googled my first transgender information sites online and was flooded by all this information that I never thought of or knew before.  For anyone under 25, this probably doesn't make sense as that was always there for them.  For me growing up, I never ever thought of going to a library to research anything around transgender and never saw anyone in person (or more correctly realized that I saw a real life trans person).   My only knowledge of trans people were the stereotype freaks/weirdos portrayed in most movies and shows (Klinger on Mash as a punchline to get out of the service, the Rocky horror picture show as sexual fetish freaks not from this world or normalcy) and I feel ashamed at my ignorance.  

After I started to research online, for me I started writing my personal blog here as I way to process and reflect.  I also find myself obsessed at times with other people's blogs or podcasts, and scroll through the social pages like Facebook looking for other people that feel like me.  I've read several books others have written about their transition and usually agree with some parts but also feel jealous or empty at the end that my story wouldn't have as nice a story.  I write this blog and keep coming back to it even after taking long breaks for god knows what reason but to be in my small part in the community.  

I don't really know what to make out of all of this - is it a fascination to a forbidden world or questioning or self-reflection or what not.  I just know that I have spent too much time consuming trans information here and question if I am normal.

(3.) Transformative fantasies/wishes

My third observation today that makes me wonder if I am normal or what I am is around dreaming / wishing fantasies of waking up in a different body.   Simply put, one of my long standing birthday wishes has been to blow out the candles and wake up in a genetic female body the next day.  I think if someone had a magic pill, I would swallow it without hesitation but since that is so far-fetched I don't see the point in that exercise.  

What I wonder is how normal is it for other people to have this fantasy.  Do cis women ever dream what it would be like to wake up without breasts, a mustache and jeans looser in the crouch (and with usable pockets).   Do normal men wonder how it would feel to have flowing hair, smooth skin and female sexual characteristics?  I don't know why I have had and continue to have from time to time these fantasies about my body magically changing as it seems so ludicrous to write about it and makes me feel ashamed at something so crazy.  

I think I am going to stop here today after these rambling points as I feel like this is only the tip of chasing the white rabbit down the mysterious rabbit hole that are my thoughts here.  I will be back shortly to continue these as I have many more questions and even less answers than these.  I still feel as far away from determining anything as I did yesterday, last week, last year etc. and hope that this will at least help me in some small way.

Until the next time, hugs. ~Jaclyn

  

Labeling

 Good morning blog,

I've been feeling the urge to write again lately as part of my self-discovery so I wanted to leave a few words here today.   Recently upon reaching a really low point, I've decided to give things a try again at rediscovery and trying to figure sh#t out.  Specifically, I feel today that I need to take some time and been truly honest with myself and understand what I am.

I've started up with a new therapist with gender experience and hope that I will be able to trust and make some progress here.  In order to do so, I feel like I have to work with her to find a honest and true label for myself.

In the past, I have despised the idea of labeling and look at all the negative impacts that has.  I guess when I hate that the world is gender binary, I feel like for those of us that don't feel like we are in either of the 2 boxes that society wants to create a label to put us in a tidy little third box and tuck us away from view.  I also feel that if you have a label like transgender or cross-dresser or whatever then expectations of what you are and what you should do soon come with that.  

I don't think I have any idea of what I should do or what I should be for people's expectations which is the main reason I have been fighting labels.

But part of my struggle and zig-zagging journey is due to not being able to look at things another way so I am going to take the time to do that now.  I started by thinking that having a label would be helpful in describing my feelings and thoughts when trying to connect with my new therapist.  Hoping that she would say something like 'hey you seem to be a classic xyz type person, so you should do this'.

Really wouldn't that be so fucking nice.

But in reality, I know that is about as far-fetched as my fantasy of blowing out my next birthday candles and then waking up as a beautiful cis-gender woman. 

What I really think (and so very hope for!) is that going through this labeling exercise will help me because of the process and not of the outcome.  I feel because of my past experiences, I have really gone further underground and further hidden due to the pain from trying to come out before.  Yes, I'm ashamed of how I have reacted and want to come clean and honest with myself.  I've felt so lost in who I am and what I want and need something to shine a light on point me out. I'm scared, I'm alone, and I'm unconfident that I will get anywhere besides flailing in the dark again but this seems like something to try. 

This all probably sounds comical or ridiculous to most people and I know the common reaction would be to hit me over the head and say hey dummy, its so obvious that what you are.   I dunno, I guess I feel like a dummy that needs to do this anyway.   I started today and listed out around a dozen different thoughts and behaviors that I thought cold give some clue to me on what I am this morning, and the next step will be for me to address and be honest to myself about each of these.  That will probably lead to alot of writing over the next period here and I hope I can feel brave enough to share.

Until then, I am going to continue in my confused, hidden and lonely little world here.  ~ Jaclyn