New do

Hello blog,

When today I got the chance to have some me time and it felt, well great.  I have regretted my latest purge as I am missing Jaclyn and the feelings of connecting to my inner feminine self.  I know that it sounds canned that dressing can make one feel more softer and in touch with their soul but for me that is exactly the case.

Anyways, I broke down the other day and bought a new wig.  More a natural brown than auburn (I do wish it had some auburn highlights) but I am going with a medium length look for now.  I kept all my makeup so from the head up I got a few minutes to feel like myself for awhile.

I can't talk about this with my wife and I feel a bit of guilt after the fact by omission here.  I constantly feel torn between being me and feeling good and not being an embarassment to her or disappointing her in anyway.  I know my therapist tells me to not and try and control how she feels but I know she would kick me to the curb in no time if she came home and saw me en femme.

Funny thing is that today is Halloween and I would so so so love to be able and dress and walk around.  Not in anything outlandish mind you but I find that its is acceptable on a day like today for 'normal' people to appear different than expectations but it is still nowhere close to acceptable for someone to present differently on most days than what is expected.  I hate this societal definitions based on what's swinging (or not) between one's legs, and if I could I would find some way to alter that as well.

Oh well, at least I had a few moments for me and that has helped me through today.  Happy Halloween.
Hugs, Jaclyn

So it goes...

Hello blog,

This morning started off so-so, I had a pleasant dream about walking around freely interrupted with the alarm clock going off all too early. I thought how nice it would feel pulling on a long autumnal skirt and then got out my plain work pants.  I love how my nails are growing longer and then disappointed that they don't have any polish.  And so things go I guess.

I took a long walk yesterday afternoon and thought of so many things. I really want to start restocking and may look at getting a new hair style later today.  I have been writing more and had some poetic thoughts bouncing through this mixed thing I call a brain.   I remember that rapeller analogy that I used before and think of myself careening wildly off of rocks trying to figure our which path to take.

Some questions it seems don't have the right answers and I feel destined to try our all the wrong ones.  And so it goes.  Hugs,
Jaclyn

Confession

Hello blog,

I have spent a long time recently thinking about many things.  Mostly it all comes back to how uncomfortable I feel as a man and trying to accept that I am who I am.

Tomorrow I have another appointment with my therapist whom I think is going to recommend me to see a psychiatrist. I told her I was scared to see one but not for the real reasons why.

Really, I want to see one and confess that I do not want to continue like this.  I feel like I am a complete mistake in body and really the only time I feel right is when I present as Jaclyn.  I want to start HRT and see where that leads although I fantasize about completing the process.  I know that this is not an easy choice and not without severe consequences, the least of which means leaving all family and things behind.

Right now that is the only thing I want though.  I can't deny this any longer and need to start confessing the truth. Can I do that? Will I do that?  I need some strength and someone to tell me it is alright or at least I can make it.

I need a hug.
Jaclyn