I hate myself

Hello blog,

I continue to feel really down these days but since my therapist thought it would be good to write again I am adding another entry.  Despite how I feel that I just want to curl up and die somewhere anonymously I still don't have the strength to go quite through with the act. I can keep cutting myself and counting out sleeping pills but somewhere in the brain stem of my messed up head I stop just short each time.

I wish I had some resolution or some good news or a more positive outlook but I do not.  It's like being trans and knowing that I will continue to be this way no matter how many purges, denials and hours I spend trying to be what I am not.

So where am I at then? I don't really know and don't think I have made any progress and ashamed of that. I just feel so pathetic and empty and just ready to give up.

I hate myself so much it just hurts.

good-bye

I see myself walking across a deserted bridge,
The wind blowing my hair but feeling no breeze,
I see myself looking down to the emptiness below,
All my troubles gone  I'm finally at ease

Lost in thought I feel the sweet embrace,
My hands are up reaching for the sky,
I open my eyes and see the years pass by slowly now,
Wasted hope and dreams, for these I cannot cry,

My struggles gone, I sink to the bottom now,
The quietness of my eternal solitude surrounds me,
Just one last thing to do now forever more,
Just one large breath and time to be finally free.

That about sums up how I feel right now and I think it is time to depart.  I'm sorry for all the trouble, pain and hurt I've caused in this world.  Wish I was stronger.  Good-bye forever. Jaclyn

another small step forward..

Good morning blog,

I originally titled this entry first step taken although when I reflected in reality I have taken many, many tiny steps to get to this point thus far.  The least of which involve finally moving past all the years of shame and guilt and denial to finally accept that I'm me and that regardless of society that is not bad.  Step 1: understanding and acceptance check, now time to do something about it.

And doing something for me is measured on a glacial scale.  I tend to analyze, analyze, over-analyze and analyze again any decision like this which probably is maddening to everyone I know.  It's just the way I do things and I wish I had the ability to trust my gut and just go with it more often.  But finally I've done something that I can report.  My gender dysphoria or body incompatability has finally gotten too much and I need something to calm me down inside.  I just can't keep going on and on with my mind and body at war with each other and I have decided to follow my heart and start hrt.  I made my first appointment for a 3 weeks from Monday to give myself time to enjoy a last family vacation together if this step turns as I fear to be the final straw in my current situation.  Am I scared? Shitless I am.  Do I think the decision is worth the consequences?  Probably not but I cannot do this.  Am I certifiably crazy?  Well, I let those so called experts do he judging as I am tired of that.

So that is it. Probably to most others in my situation I am making a huge fuss over a molehill here but for me this is a big step.  I don't expect my appearance on the outside to change greatly but I am praying so much that it will help me find some peace on the inside.  I am hoping that as I start this next step I can also find someone in RL that I can confide and share with as I could sure use that girlfriend to have coffee or share shopping trips with so much.

Anxious, scared, happy, and a bunch of emotions here.  I'm starting to cross off days on the calendar.
Hugs, Jaclyn