I have gender dysphoria. I know this and didn't want to be born with this. But it is, so I try to deal with it.
I don't know how to explain this condition to anyone else outside of it, and battling against it can be so defeating and depressing. When I mention transgender to people I love, they picture the Rocky picture horror show or Caitlyn Jenner and tell me they respect them for being them, but don't really want to share or accept it as part of their lives. I am told that I am confused and my feeling are really inherent childhood trauma that I have never addressed. I don't know what is right.
I find myself sleeping less and less these days, laying awake at night processing all these thoughts of how my life would be if I really spent it as Jaclyn 24/7. I hate my naked body when I shower and get dressed in the morning, and think about my dysphoria on the drive in to work. The first thing I need to do is to turn to start my day is to turn my computer to look at pictures of me as Jaclyn, and then I try to escape into this world throughout the day if I have am moment to think. If I get a chance in the evening, I spend time browsing retail sites looking at clothes or even transgender sites looking for support. This routine is so tiring.
I see women around me and worry that they think I am checking them out when really I am admiring their outfits and trying to learn how to coordinate as well as them. If one of my female co-workers just had a manicure or has cute shoes on, I so much want to go up and tell them how good they look and then live in fear of the repercussions that such a statement would make. I even find myself trying to imitate their gait if I am alone and trailing far enough behind them. I feel ashamed and guilty about this behavior but still do it.
I don't know where to turn to anymore. I have tried so many therapists and have gotten some many prescriptions for anti-depressants. I have tried to come out to my family and was rejected, purged and re-bought, been caught trying to dress in stealth and have hidden and put up a wall between my feelings and my family. I can't let anyone into my world because I know they will conclude that I am certifiably crazy. I have digressed into self harming behaviors, and have planned and started to act on suicide to the point that I have scared myself that I have gone to far.
My world is so pathetic and sad, and I can't stop from sitting and crying and playing the victim. I know all this and the should dos I have heard many time. I would do them if I could, but I can't. I am so low and so defeated and so worn out from all of this.
Yet, I still start another day here dwelling on my condition and trying to escape into and out of my world. I don't think I could talk to anyone in person about my feelings so I write them here. I want some friendship and understanding and scared in reaching out to try.
I feel so hopeless.
The personal thoughts in a confused journey
Friday, August 14, 2015
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
good-bye
Hello blog,
I am feeling absolutely miserably depressed today and I can't stop it. It got me to the point where I was sitting in the car and not able to do anything but cry and feel shameful about it.
How do you deal when others tell you are worth something when it just makes you feel worse that you can't see any possible way that could be true? I give up on all this and I have given up on me.
The part of me that is logical told me to write some letters to leave to those important in my life to try and explain why I felt I couldn't go on any longer. I wrote three letters and then realized there was no one else close to me. Made me feel more pathetic that over 40 years on this dumb planet and I probably only impacted the lives of 3 people.
My head throbs now and I don't have any strength to continue much longer. I guess if this is my last post I will say good-bye as Jaclyn and hope if anyone ever stumbles upon this drivel that they have a better life than I did.
Good-bye for now and maybe forever, Jaclyn
I am feeling absolutely miserably depressed today and I can't stop it. It got me to the point where I was sitting in the car and not able to do anything but cry and feel shameful about it.
How do you deal when others tell you are worth something when it just makes you feel worse that you can't see any possible way that could be true? I give up on all this and I have given up on me.
The part of me that is logical told me to write some letters to leave to those important in my life to try and explain why I felt I couldn't go on any longer. I wrote three letters and then realized there was no one else close to me. Made me feel more pathetic that over 40 years on this dumb planet and I probably only impacted the lives of 3 people.
My head throbs now and I don't have any strength to continue much longer. I guess if this is my last post I will say good-bye as Jaclyn and hope if anyone ever stumbles upon this drivel that they have a better life than I did.
Good-bye for now and maybe forever, Jaclyn
Sunday, July 26, 2015
What a wonderful week
Greetings blog,
It has been a long hiatus for writing as I was going through some personal crisis once again. I don't know I get myself so far down the road and not learn any better, but I guess some habits are hard to break.
The biggest one is not being me. This past week I had some time to spend in touch with myself and it was wonderful. Just the coming down from it is so very hard that I need to write to remember my highs.
I got a chance to do a little shopping, work on putting some outfits together and to go out to a club and mingle with some other local girls. It was pure bliss of the freedom to be myself and to feel good. It was my second time out with the local group and everyone was so understanding and nice. It is so good not to feel alone and even better to be able to share it person with another understanding and caring soul. I talked with another girl and saw pictures of her at the pride parade last month. How incredible that experience would be!
Even better than my night out though was my personal day that I took off and spent the entire day as Jaclyn. I am still crying inside on how incredible that felt.
It was so nice to wake up, get out my clothes, shower and get dressed for the day as Jaclyn. I did a little work and then went out and drove around a bit. I had made a redezvous with another girl for the afternoon and that was fantastic. She was so very sweet and made me tear up when seeing her for the first time she brought me some flowers and shared some heartfelt wishes to make the day wonderful. I could hardly believe anyone could do something for someone as me and it was so unexpected. We meet in a local hotel and talked a bit on our past experiences and how difficult it was to move beyond closed doors. We tried on some outfits together and helped each work on some fashion tips, looked at some pictures and talked and talked. There is something being with someone else that shares the same fears, the same feelings of having to keep yourself hidden from the world that when you connect it feels like all emotions flowing out at once. She was so sweet and caring and I only wish I could return a bit of how great she made me feel.
After our experience, I felt emotionally spent so I drove around a bit and ended up a park to sit and reflect. Once of the things I thought most about was how I would need to put Jaclyn away again for awhile and how much that hurt. I don't know why I push myself for that high because coming down just tears me up inside. Today is rough transitioning back to world where Jaclyn hides from and I never know how much longer I can keep this up. I wish I knew what to do, but I will try to lift up my chin and shoulder on I guess.
In the meantime, I am going to attach some pictures from my week so I can come back here to reflect and feel the warmth of the memories of a fun week of freedom.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Pic of me out with the local group
It has been a long hiatus for writing as I was going through some personal crisis once again. I don't know I get myself so far down the road and not learn any better, but I guess some habits are hard to break.
The biggest one is not being me. This past week I had some time to spend in touch with myself and it was wonderful. Just the coming down from it is so very hard that I need to write to remember my highs.
I got a chance to do a little shopping, work on putting some outfits together and to go out to a club and mingle with some other local girls. It was pure bliss of the freedom to be myself and to feel good. It was my second time out with the local group and everyone was so understanding and nice. It is so good not to feel alone and even better to be able to share it person with another understanding and caring soul. I talked with another girl and saw pictures of her at the pride parade last month. How incredible that experience would be!
Even better than my night out though was my personal day that I took off and spent the entire day as Jaclyn. I am still crying inside on how incredible that felt.
It was so nice to wake up, get out my clothes, shower and get dressed for the day as Jaclyn. I did a little work and then went out and drove around a bit. I had made a redezvous with another girl for the afternoon and that was fantastic. She was so very sweet and made me tear up when seeing her for the first time she brought me some flowers and shared some heartfelt wishes to make the day wonderful. I could hardly believe anyone could do something for someone as me and it was so unexpected. We meet in a local hotel and talked a bit on our past experiences and how difficult it was to move beyond closed doors. We tried on some outfits together and helped each work on some fashion tips, looked at some pictures and talked and talked. There is something being with someone else that shares the same fears, the same feelings of having to keep yourself hidden from the world that when you connect it feels like all emotions flowing out at once. She was so sweet and caring and I only wish I could return a bit of how great she made me feel.
After our experience, I felt emotionally spent so I drove around a bit and ended up a park to sit and reflect. Once of the things I thought most about was how I would need to put Jaclyn away again for awhile and how much that hurt. I don't know why I push myself for that high because coming down just tears me up inside. Today is rough transitioning back to world where Jaclyn hides from and I never know how much longer I can keep this up. I wish I knew what to do, but I will try to lift up my chin and shoulder on I guess.
In the meantime, I am going to attach some pictures from my week so I can come back here to reflect and feel the warmth of the memories of a fun week of freedom.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Pic of me out with the local group
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