Hello blog,
Originally I was planning to title this entry 'crash and burn' since that seems to summarize up March 2017 for me here. Instead I am hoping to use the trials of this month as a step back, sideways, and forward or something like that. The one thing I realize from this journey is that I need to ask for help, and that is one thing I have a really hard time doing.
Here's a quick synapses of the prior month or so of my life that have not been fun. It started with my HRT prescription running out and me being unable to get in to see the doctor. Then I had a major blow-up with my therapist corresponding to an strong episode of battling my gender dsyphoria. Combine all that with my constant depression and telling someone that I am worthless and should just swallow 20 Tylenol or something like that earned me a late night trip to the ER combined with
a nice week to spend in a closely monitored hospital stay. From there I got to apply for work disability and complete a day program for 2.5 weeks before being able to resume my life in limited capacity here.
What did I learn from all this?
I learned to slow down and listen and think a bit. I learned to listen to my thoughts of self-worthlessness and realize my distorted view of reality. I learned to listen about self acceptance. That is a very hard pill and I don't think I can claim victory there just yet. I learned that the behaviors I was doing that were getting me tired and frustrated just weren't working and really how much longer do I need to bang my head against the proverbial wall not getting anywhere. I learned that I need to make a change, and to do this I need to ask for help. That is a tough lesson for someone like me that thinks I can do all this on my own, I can't. And to get out of the pattern of being stuck I need to surrender and that's not a bad thing - in doing this I am essentially stating that I can't continue on alone and I need to let others in. So I think I learned some things, but how am I going to put this in practice?
I've reached out to a new therapist and started working on goals and planning steps to determine where I want to go and how to get there. I've started writing feverishly again, and probably have like 5 or 6 new poems that I've completed. I've looked up a local transgender support group and I am going to try and talk with others there. Finally, I've decided that I have to be authentic and true to myself no matter what that would mean to others.
It has been a long and arduous struggle this past month of my life. This next one will be another struggle too. I wish I knew what it would bring, but it doesn't and I have to pick up the pieces and go forward.
I need a hug.
~Jaclyn
The personal thoughts in a confused journey
Friday, March 31, 2017
Friday, February 24, 2017
what is the truth?
When I started this blog a few years ago, I did so because I felt like I needed someplace where I didn't need to hide or pretend to be something else. More importantly, this blog would be a place that I could be honest and reflective about what I really felt was going on inside of me at that particular moment. Today I think about this and realize that I need this blog more than ever.
This week I have been struggling so much to understand the truth. I don't mean this externally in the way every other headline seems to be shouting at others as being fake taking their cue from our supposed leaders, but in the sense that I have trouble with my own internal truth.
Each day I feel like I am constantly lying so much I have completely lost track of the truth, From the moment I feel I get up and first look in the mirror with disdain, to the parts of the day when I am pretending that I am fine, and continuing to when I am laying in bed awake and lost in my head I feel like I am lying. When I finally feel brave enough to talk and share something real with me, I still find myself unable to speak the truth or live it. My life it feels is like one big lie and as I sit now and try to dissect it for the umpteenth time I realize that I don't have a clue what my truth is.
I wonder that besides feeling that I am transgender that the fact that I have no idea of my individual truth makes me unique or gives me greater commonality with the community. Is this part of the transgender experience to realize that you think you are currently living a lie and need to change, or is this proof that I am not committed enough to be anything else than a delusional pretender?
My therapist said this week the new chic thing is to say that you are transgender. This statement upset me at first and later threw more doubt over my clouded thoughts.
I need to know my own truth, but I have no idea how to find this anymore. It just feels like the only truth I do know is how emotionally tiring all this lying really is.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
This week I have been struggling so much to understand the truth. I don't mean this externally in the way every other headline seems to be shouting at others as being fake taking their cue from our supposed leaders, but in the sense that I have trouble with my own internal truth.
Each day I feel like I am constantly lying so much I have completely lost track of the truth, From the moment I feel I get up and first look in the mirror with disdain, to the parts of the day when I am pretending that I am fine, and continuing to when I am laying in bed awake and lost in my head I feel like I am lying. When I finally feel brave enough to talk and share something real with me, I still find myself unable to speak the truth or live it. My life it feels is like one big lie and as I sit now and try to dissect it for the umpteenth time I realize that I don't have a clue what my truth is.
I wonder that besides feeling that I am transgender that the fact that I have no idea of my individual truth makes me unique or gives me greater commonality with the community. Is this part of the transgender experience to realize that you think you are currently living a lie and need to change, or is this proof that I am not committed enough to be anything else than a delusional pretender?
My therapist said this week the new chic thing is to say that you are transgender. This statement upset me at first and later threw more doubt over my clouded thoughts.
I need to know my own truth, but I have no idea how to find this anymore. It just feels like the only truth I do know is how emotionally tiring all this lying really is.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Thursday, February 16, 2017
stuck in the middle
Hello blog,
I've been fighting my dysphoria, my self-confidence, myself and everything lately as I seem to have slipped back into a funk. The suicidal thoughts and self-cutting has started up once more which is questioning me what I am really doing. While tomorrow marks week 15 since I started HRT, I sometimes think I should stop as I feel I have no plan or really any idea what I am doing. I feel like more I think the more stress I get and then the stress-eating takes over. I felt disgusted when I last weighed myself and worry that things are going to keep getting worse there.
Today was my second full facial laser clearing and I guess I had some time to stop and think while the strobe lights were hopefully removing some of the nasty facial growth. I guess what I was concentrating on at first was how I was changing myself to be feminine but lately I've been thinking more that I am changing myself to be less masculing instead. I know that statement probably doesn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't questioned their gender, but somehow I feel like I am forging something in-between the two. I question whether I can like this place and be able to function in the world as something other than one of the two and this frankly scares me very much. For someone who spent most of their time up to now resenting my own appearance, the thought of appreciating myself is really a tough pill that is so much easier said than in practice.
So that is where I guess I am standing at today, I am lost in consideration that if I stop I will be a failure and if I continue I will not be a success. I wish there was an easy answer to all of this!
Hugs,
Jaclyn
I've been fighting my dysphoria, my self-confidence, myself and everything lately as I seem to have slipped back into a funk. The suicidal thoughts and self-cutting has started up once more which is questioning me what I am really doing. While tomorrow marks week 15 since I started HRT, I sometimes think I should stop as I feel I have no plan or really any idea what I am doing. I feel like more I think the more stress I get and then the stress-eating takes over. I felt disgusted when I last weighed myself and worry that things are going to keep getting worse there.
Today was my second full facial laser clearing and I guess I had some time to stop and think while the strobe lights were hopefully removing some of the nasty facial growth. I guess what I was concentrating on at first was how I was changing myself to be feminine but lately I've been thinking more that I am changing myself to be less masculing instead. I know that statement probably doesn't make much sense to anyone who hasn't questioned their gender, but somehow I feel like I am forging something in-between the two. I question whether I can like this place and be able to function in the world as something other than one of the two and this frankly scares me very much. For someone who spent most of their time up to now resenting my own appearance, the thought of appreciating myself is really a tough pill that is so much easier said than in practice.
So that is where I guess I am standing at today, I am lost in consideration that if I stop I will be a failure and if I continue I will not be a success. I wish there was an easy answer to all of this!
Hugs,
Jaclyn
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