Continuing to play a charade

Good morning blog,

This week I have been really struggling with living dual gender lives.   That is, while I spend the majority of my time playing the role of a normal, socially acceptable cis male in appearance and actions, inside I feel much differently and hate myself for this facade that I wear.  

It really is wearing down on me just keeping quiet and doing what is expected of me instead of what I want. While that may sound like something simple to fix, there are lots of things holding me back here with probably the biggest one my courage to actually do anything about it.

The fact is that I need some help, need some support, need something to kick me in the ass here.  I can trade emails and messages with other similar trans-questioning and trans-knowing folks but I feel so inferior around them.  I am my worst enemy of sorts and resolve each day to change this but come up short.

I sometimes feel like a caterpillar that refuse to spin herself a cocoon.  Idk, maybe I am being too much of a drama queen again, I just feel tired from this all.

Hugs,

Jaclyn

Looking for intimacy

 Hello blog,

I have been doing more thinking and pondering about intimacy, or more appropriately my current lack of being able to share intimacy with others.

For my thoughts on this subject right now, I am not talking about the physical sex act(s) but instead the broader concept of intimacy which is about being able to be vulnerable and trusting with others enough to share one's deepest feelings, emotions and connections.

I know this all sounds like therapist speak and the discussion of trust (or my lack of it) did come up in many sessions recently.   Where my current scattered mind is this week is around how I feel lacking in the intimacy currently in my life and how I prevent this.

Probably writting this blog is the closest I really come to intimacy and yet since it is anonymous and not shared outside of a few random people that may stumble across, I would consider this an one-way form which I am only using for a safe place to dump my thoughts without having to actually confort anyone (aka the chickenshit escape of intimacy).

Here's the thing, I know what intimacy is, I have shared some of my deep feelings and emotions with others before.  I have cried and connected and felt that human connection that I cannot express in simple terms but believe that it was there and I have found this to be more rewarding and gratifying than any physcial pleasure (from any physcial manifestion of intimacy).

But today I feel part of the reason that I am stuck is that I have trouble or run away from any form of sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with anyone I love or feel close to.  I can logically go back to some times when I tried to be vulnerable and was rejected and say that now I am hiding from this as it feels safer than taking a chance again.  I feel like I have forgiven the person that inflicted this pain and we have discussed and gotten past this, but still I feel too shy to get back up on that proverbal horse and share and be intimate with them again.

I wish I had a solution here like all of my other rambling musings I am just able to observe and not seeming to do anything about it at the moment.

I know that someday I need to go back there and I need to trust and be vulnerable as intimacy is part of the human existense and connection that we as social creatures need with each other.  I want to have that feeling again, it is just so hard to find it again once it has been lost.

~~~ Jaclyn

self sabotage

 Hi blog,

I'm feeling rather depressed and disappointed at myself again lately.  I have been pushing myself towards self-acceptance only to push back even harder on me.

Last week I signed up for a virtual support group, attended it for a few minutes and then had to leave as the self-hatred and sef-disgust was welling up inside.  I do not know why I have so much self sabotage but I find the word hate being used alot by me to describe myself and my actions.

I feel like such a fraud, such a loser and incapable of letting myself get better.  Even during therapy sessions instead of trying to listen and seek solutions I spend the majority of time thinking how much I hate myself and how much I will never let myself change.

I don't know what to do at this point.  I really feel alone and want to let someone into my life but cannot seem to not push them away and feel worse about myself.

I feel the negative self talk and suicidal thoughts increasing each day more and more.  If I knew there was a light at the end of this tunnel it would be easier to handle all this pain but I don't feel I can allow myself to take even a step towards it.

I am really in alot of pain right now and feel so empty inside.

~ 😭Jaclyn