Point blank

Greeting blog,
I was just listening to some old favorite tunes of mine while dealing with medical receipts.  If one's not clinically crazy enough going through all these forms can definitely put one there lol.

Anyways, I woke up rather low this morning and was thinking about how I had to file all these forms and wondering if therapy is doing me any good. Many days I think the answer is no to that although I am going to continue on in blind faith I guess. No matter I tell myself I struggle with seing any self-worth here and frankly I don't see any way around that feeling.  I have seriously thought about running away or ending it all several times a day for the past few weeks and start to believe that may the answer for me. I don't know as I'm crying here thinking about it all once again.  I so wish I could have a moment of clarity and strength to do something, but really that is never going to happen.

As I said, I am a big Bruce Springsteen fan and have been listening to his River album lately.  I wrote a poem the other day with the background music to Point Blank running in my head.  I guess that song kind of sums up how I felt me thinking of how my coming out went.  If you know that song, the poem may go along with the music in the background in the beginning and end of that song.

Enjoy!
Jacki

Point Blank
Gray clouds roll overhead, holding back the rain,
Blustery winds all around, driving without an aim,
I'm walking without direction, shroud myself in the pain,
I don't know how to cry once again.

Things once were so simple, such an easy plan,
What to do, whom to be, and how to act like a man,
Now everything's upside down, spinning end over end,
I'm in the middle of this twisting dervish looking for a helping hand.

Now I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
I tried once and failure is my only road.

I wonder where I'm going, I don't remember where I've been,
Each path it seems to me always leads to a dead end,
I hold myself and cry, and then do it once again,
I just want to know whyt I can't get anything right?

Searching for direction, although I know what road to take,
The inevitable conclusion that my life is one big mistake,
I'm too tired of trying, but thus move I continue to make,
How did I ever end up this way?

Now I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
I tried once and failure is my only road.

To throw it all away or finally to be true,
I reflect in my soul but know not what to do,
Suppress my dreams and thoughts, scared to let them loose,
Is my destiny just an inescapable noose?

I duck my head back down, hide away from the sight,
Lock my feelings deep inside, hold them away from the light,
Biding my time to come out, in the darkest night,
What will I do if I am forced to choose?

For now I'll do nothing, cry where noonce can hear,
For now I stare helplessly, my legs paralyzed by fear,
For now I bid my time and wish for an answer to appear,
What will I do when the moment is right?

When that day finally arrives that I finally speak,
When the day dawns on my desperate secret I'll leak,
When that day arrives I declare to finally be free,
Will I finally act and finally find me?

Until then I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
Point blank, afraid to leave the pain I know.