Monday, November 4, 2013

which road?

Hello blog,

This morning (and late last night) I felt pretty low about myself.  I've been busy doing an assignment on identifying things that I don't like about myself and lets say that list has gotten pretty long. I don't know if others similar to me feel this way as much as I do, but lets say I am so tired about feeling crappy about myself.

Driving to work today was even harder and I so wanted to just keep heading south on the expressway until I reach somewhere far, far away.  I didn't of course and I never seem to ever do anything besides sit by myself crying about my inabilities.

I don't want this to be a pity me posting but rather someday something I will look back upon as how far I've made it.  I have the utmost respect for any transgender person who has the courage to follow their dreams and live the way they feel best even if they don't ever transition.  It seems like that is a point of contention among the online community at least on what qualifies you to claim participation in this group, but to someone like me that can't seem to gather enough courage to take the first steps I am in awe of the strength of all those who have.

This weekend I had some free time with just my wife and the discussion of me being happy without dressing or acting feminine came up as it is often on her mind. I don't want to lie to her but I don't know the answer really to that question.  Somedays I wish I could just leave Jaclyn behind but then the next the comfort and feelings of inner peace of her is all I can think about.  Of course I gave her an alluding answer and I know she didn't buy it so I had to reassure that the Jaclyn part of my life was over.  But it is not and deep inside I know that.

So I am soon going to be back out on that road.  I wish to god I could find someone, anyone to help me sort out where I'm headed but that is something I will have to do alone I guess.  At least tomorrow won't be monday.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

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