Leaving the past behind

 Hello blog,

As probably apparent by my recent postings recalling past experiences, I have a hard time leaving the past behind and moving forward.

I was hoping that writing things out would be a cathartic experience and I could move along, but alas my situation has not changed much if any for a long time here.

I have also thought that going through the process of asking for forgiveness and accepting it for past traumas would also ease my mental stress, but I feel like I am unable to absorb this as well.

I know logically that I have protected and walled myself away from the world defensively after feeling pain to the point that I can no longer escape.  I am not able to trust others and believe in my heart that things will ever change.

In short, I don't know how to let go of my past.  I know that it has no benefit to me and only causes my depression to crash over me in waves to the point that I feel incapacitated and don't want to get out of bed in the morning as it seems pointless.

I'm struggling and I am unable to express this desperation in any other way besides the safety of anonymous writing here.  My current livelihood appears to be in jeopardy as my company is collapsing and this just feels like another layer of worthless to heap upon me.   I get agitated when anyone provides me with pity as I know that I am the source and cause of all my problems.

I guess I don't have a point here but just feel like I am untethered in a stormy sea and land is no one to be seen.  I think that I need to let go of my past but perhaps my misery is the company I seek.  

I dunno as always.   Just so glad I have a place here to vent and cry.