My gender story (con't)
In my previous postings, I tried to recap alot of my internal thoughts and feeling associated with the events that seemed to bring me forward and backward when dealing with my appearance and gender. I first grew up struggling with confusion and dislike with my body while living in a conservative environment and developed hostile shame and guilt feelings towards myself for having these thoughts. My perverted sense of self had me avoiding relationships and repressing things for a long time until afterwards. When I had these confusing feelings towards my gender and body to the point that I needed to research, I found that the world had changed and so much more information and opportunities were now available. This brought on an obsessive period of self-exploration and self-determination that in the end proved destructive and may not be completely correct. After recovering from that disaster, I was drawn again into exploration and actions that I feel guilty and ashamed of. Combining my prior self-hate, low esteem, shame and guilt brought me to the edge of depression and where suicide seemed like the only answer from there. Picking up from my recovery of a forced hospitalization and intensive ordered therapy would be the next stage in my saga.
It was not an easy time post my suicidal low point for me. While I didn't have any idea why I couldn't stop my racing thoughts about my gender expression and body hate, I looked at the different sessions and medications as a possible answer for questions I didn't know how to ask. I went through several therapists and several different anti-depressants during this time without anything providing any relief. I stopped dressing and going out for a bit as I tried to control myself from going around the destructive cycle that always seemed to end up with bad results. I tend to be a dweller on things, and more that I dwelled the more the self hate grew inside me.
I got rid of majority of clothes many times but never was able to get rid of everything. I feel like this is like not really putting out a forest fire but leaving hot ashes that may smolder and eventually flare up again and again.
I would sometimes go out but I started to feel the shame and guilt come on before even getting out the front door now. I tried self questioning with therapists and even dressing and presenting as Jaclyn with them but the moment I removed the clothes, the shame and guilt stomped on me. I felt more and more like a total fraud with my family and with myself, and the self-image disgust got me feeling physically ill when looking at myself in a mirror.
Covid-19 came and that pretty much destroyed most social chances and stopped my dressing as was never alone at home anymore. I started cutting and self-abuse rather rapidly and the hopelessness and depression felt so heavy on top of me. This led to another forced intensive hospitalization as self-harm and depression felt like the only answers.
Again, I think this was mostly a stop gap as I feel like it was treating symptoms and not the disease. I know that my negativity is to blame, but it left me with more unanswered questions than feeling like I had a path forward.
This pretty much is the point where I am currently struggling with. I have pretty much stopped going outside dressed as Jaclyn at this time. I continue to struggle with my body image and self-hate, and feel disgusted with myself even thinking about it while I write here. Hidden locked away from anyone, I will occasionally give in and get out my clothes and makeup and pretend, but the shame and guilt is suffocating anymore.
I've started trying to write and explore what I am since I don't feel like any label can really capture me and my actions. I feel so lonely and hopeless on most days, and the depression and suicidal ideation is my constant companion always. I'm trying to open up to therapists and others, but I feel so defensive and unable to really trust anyone to give that any chance of success.
I don't have any positive outlook on my future trajectory as I feel like there is no hope of turning around anymore. I feel foolish, pathetic, sick, disgusting and without really any positive traits in my introverted world I have created. My life does not have any fairy tale endings, and I struggle just to appreciate how fortunate I have things and my family that has been stayed by me through all the crap I have offered up.
I don't know what the next chapter will be, as I continue to struggle to make sense of this and all the prior ones. For now, I am going to sign off, but will continue to be here processing and hurting in silence.
Until I have another chapter to write,
Jaclyn
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