My gender story (con't)
As I continue to write and think about my journey, it is helping me in understanding by looking at periods of my life separately and then how they feed into each other.
Part 1 was growing up in an ultra conservative environment and the struggles with my feelings of not being right and not having any clue of things. This innocence ended when my friend took advantage of me in an episode that I am not sure if I was a sexual victim or was unconsciously instigating. Whatever it was, this led me into an unhealthy pattern that I described in part 2 where I was not able to form relationships or friendships, isolating and abused alcohol and settled into a deep depression during my 20s. For my gender story, this was something that equated more shame and guilt with my feelings and led to repression and denial of feelings whenever they arose.
This pattern continued into my early 30s along with my struggles to have a healthy relationship as well. My wife and I marries and for the most part I didn't spend alot of time questioning my gender as I felt things were more like they should be and I was finally right. Probably for a good 5 years or so most of my questioning of gender was a non-issue as it looked like things had gone away. I spent most of that time being busy with building a relationship with my wife and starting a stable family together.
Our daughter came along during this time as the most positive thing that I feel I have ever contributed to in my life. That was an amazing time and incredible experience even though part of me felt guilty that my wife could experience child birth and bonding with her in ways I was not physically able to. Besides that pang of jealousy, I don't recall struggling much with my gender during her infancy and trying to be a good father figure for her.
Somewhere near my mid 30s, things started to change and pretty rapidly. I am not sure of the complete order and amount of time between events but will try to recollect the best I can remember in terms of my gender questioning. I think there was always some constant background thoughts that may have come up when we would visit the mall or seeing other female social interactions but for most times this would subside shortly afterwards.
Probably I was around 37 or 38 is when this background hum became more constant and I found myself thinking about gender pretty constantly. It is hard to explain how this background noise can become so obsessive, but I found myself spending alot of time thinking about how nice it would be to have gorgeous hair or smooth skin or to basically not be trapped in a male body here. My dislike for my physical appearance I believe dropped into personal disgust around this time and I started avoiding mirrors when changing or anything that would show me what I really looked like.
While my self hate was growing deeper, I was escaping this by spending more time on my obsessive thoughts of being a woman and these soon started to turn into actions. First it was just browsing or looking at models online to imagine things, but then it became trips into stores looking at clothes pretending I was searching for someone else.
When the browsing stopped being enough, I found myself purchasing some items and hiding them away. When I got home and was alone, I would feel a rush of trying them on but then also would feel the crush of shame and embarrassment of this behavior soon thereafter. Sometimes I would be buying and returning things to the local goodwill within the same day it seemed.
But not always, and soon I started to accumulate a hidden stash of clothes. It felt good and bad having these and I really did not feel in control. I felt some shameful like a pervert or fetishist or something but also felt unable to stop. It was also around this time when I discovered the term transgender online as the internet was finally available and I realized that there were other people out there like me.
My obsessive thoughts seemed to have a new outlet in this online world and I found myself reading countless transgender blogs, stories and threads on various places.
I don't know how to express spending around 40 years feeling like you are alone only to realize that there are others like you out there. I would like to say that dissipated my shame and guilt but it didn't. It was more of another period of time of confusion and wonder. I even started using experience blogs to write anonymously as a precursor to blogging here that I continue to use for escapism.
This rabbit hole of the internet seemed to be the encouragement I needed to overcome my shame and guilt and continue exploring. Really those feelings were so strong at the time so I don't think I really needed much encouragement but I keep wanting to try more. Soon, my purchasing of women's clothes to sneak and try at home hidden away became more of a want to be outside dressed. I could sneak things under my clothes, but really felt foolish and really I wanted to feel 'passable' and just to be female.
I realized then I needed more help with makeup and found a wonderful lady that offered help and support for the transgender community. I worked up the courage and visited her studio and for the first time came out to someone about my issues. It was so incredible how non-judgmental and kind she was, and I remember telling me she didn't care and wanted to treat me like one of her sisters. When she fitted me with my first wig that was a transformative process that I remember crying for one of the few times and not worrying about someone seeing me do that.
She also helped me with makeup and outfits and actually for the first time I could look in a mirror and see a woman. While I still keep everything hidden and tightly away at home, this image fixated in my mind. I took some of my first shots and was so shocked in seeing the smile on my face in the image.
I continued looking at transgender stories online, dressing in private and trying makeup when I could ensure not being seen. But like the steps before, I felt like I wanted more and more even though I felt torn inside. I would sneak on my wig when driving around or change into women's jeans in a parking lot just to feel like I was out even though I was still hiding. I accumulated more and more clothing and found every spare alone moment to try something new. While this seemed like a freeing time of self-exploration, there was a steep price for me to pay for this. The hiding and anxiety about being caught and guilt seemed to grow with each new little step and like an addict I kept telling myself to stop but couldn't.
I remember one weekend my family was out of town and I had connected with a local transwoman and met up with her. I was so nervous and scared and she was nothing but incredibly understanding, supportive and amazing. While our whole adventure involved going out for a drink at a local bar, it was so freeing and nerve-wracking just being out in public for the first time. I sort of felt like Bambi on her legs for the first time and was sure everyone was stating at me but couldn't believe how well she would tell me to ignore them and how nonchalant she was. I did see her one other time but felt so jealous of her and how she was married and her wife accepted her and even allowed her to keep a separate place t go to whenever she felt the need to let her hair down. Again, someone who was very kind to me and probably deserved more thanks in return that I offered.
This seemed like a time when forces were dragging me apart inside. I can't justify that I was always right but I was swinging rapidly from wanting to explore being dressed and outside in the world as a woman and the guilt and shame from sneaking around, hiding and being a freak from my family.
I needed someone to work through all of this and make some sense of this so I researched a gender specialized therapist and started to make some private appointments without letting my wife know. This still felt very wrong to me but also felt like the only thing I could handle. That eventually led me to the next major point as I knew that this charade could not continue at home.
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